Do you speak Korean?

Do I speak Korean? No.

I told a close friend I was going to Korea back in February over dinner. He asked, "Are you learning Korean?" At the time, I was teaching myself Korean from a book and a CD. I got the alphabet down, but when it came to sentences, the CD went too fast. I couldn't understand how to pronounce things and reading it phonetically sounded different from the CD.

I am a bad auditory learner. I've known this for a long time. I was an actress in college. Directors would give me notes after a scene or a run through. If I didn't have a pencil and paper to write down the notes, I was screwed. When I didn't have a pen and paper, I tried really hard to listen to instructions and remember them. I learned later this caused me to have a horrible facial expression. Once I stopped a director mid-sentence to find a pencil. I apologized saying, "Sorry, I have a really hard time remembering things unless I write them down." He said, "Yeah. I know. After I figured that out, I realized you weren't a bitch after all." Thanks. You tell me a grocery list of 5 items and I'll remember 2. If you write down a grocery list, let me look at it for 30 seconds and then rip it up, I'll remember everything on the list and what order they were in.

Anyways, this friend of mind keeps pressuring me everyday. "How is your Korean coming?" "Have you enrolled in a language course?" He is relentless.

The more he pressured me the angrier I got. "No, I quit the book." "No, I haven't signed up for a language course."

But why anger? Why am I mad about it?

First of all, it felt condescending.
I have traveled. I know the importance of making an effort to speak the language. I traveled to Spain twice, in high school and college. Back then, I was good. This was mainly due to me dating a string of handsome Spanish men while I studied in England. When I traveled to Italy with my best friend, we learned basic Italian phrases. I asked vendors "How much is this?" in Italian, and they answered me in English. There was a special glimmer in their eye though that said, "Hey! Thanks for giving it a shot, Asian American tourist."

But I know what my friend is saying isn't coming from a place of condescension. He wants me to have the best time I can there- the fullest experience. He knows I've traveled. So- why am I so mad about it?

He pressured me again tonight-."How is packing going?" he asked. "Ehhh...I am a little stressed out about it," I answered. "And your language classes?" he said.
I changed my tone from playful to a serious tone and told him he had to stop asking me about it. He told me it was a joke and I told him it wasn't.

He didn't understand why it wasn't a joke and explaining it to him was where I found my own truth for the first time.

Why don't I want to learn Korean?

• Because I have walked into Korean restaurants where women greet me in Korean. I greet them back in Korean. They continue to speak.I don't understand. They realize I don't 'really' speak Korean, and they look disappointed or they look at me with pity. 
• Because I've had people come up to me guessing my nationality and when I say, "I'm Korean." Their immediate follow-up question is, "Do you speak Korean?" which is followed by, "Did you live in a hut?" "Did you eat dogs and cats?" "Can you use chopsticks?" followed by "I love Korean people." "Kim chi is so good." 
• Because Koreans in Korea are going to know I'm American anyways, before I even speak, and judge me for it, so whats the point. (This is absolute projection. 100%.  But it's how I have thought about it) 
• Because, I don't know how to say this (because I know I feel this way but I don't understand why)...I am not culturally Korean in ANY way. I don't know anything about Korean daily life, Korean customs, Korean manners. I feel like being able to speak Korean and looking Korean, but not having any cultural context would be weird. I have a fear of being misunderstood. Why does she look Korean and speak Korean but know nothing about Korea? It's almost as though I want people to know I'm adopted as a get out of jail free card until I sort out my emotions about how I feel about being adopted and whether or not I want to connect more deeply with Korea.

So I guess it all adds up to: I'm afraid of being judged by Korean people that I'm not actually Korean and I'm afraid of being labeled as more Korean than I really am by Americans. 

I'm looking forward to this trip to find out the tiny answers to my identity. Will I feel drawn to learn it when I return? Will I feel as judged as I fear? Will I be welcomed back to Korea? Will I feel more Korean? 

We'll see :)