Now what?

I look different to myself.

I can't explain it.
There was a moment when I was in Korea, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I looked different to myself.
We were in Gyeongju. It was halfway through our trip.
I can't tell you what changed or what appears different to me now.
It's not as simple as "I look more Korean to myself."
I know it's not negative but it's also not like, real touchy feely Eve Ensler type of "I finally came into my own to embrace my identity" feeling either...
I thought it would go away after I got back but it didn't. I still look in the mirror and I look different to myself.
I like it. It's just up my alley of woo-woo, "the universe is a magical mystical place" type stuff.

It has been two and a half months since I've been back. It feels like it was longer ago.

Everything is the same but slightly different.
I feel more centered. I feel more whole. A lot less anxiety. I've begun a bunch of different projects since I have been back- arts for children projects, teaching myself Korean, reading more. I have focused on relationships that are healthy and supportive, untethered myself from the unhealthy relationships in my life, and found closure with relationships that had loose ends. I am happy with work and am diving back into the performing arts.

Many people ask me if going to Korea answered all my questions or if I found what I was looking for or if it seemed like I could close a chapter of my life now.
In some ways, I did find answers. I was able to see a culture and a country that is connected to how people see me. Now when people say, "You're Korean? I love Korea." I can say, "Me too!" instead of thinking, "I probably know less about Korea than you do."
I was able to meet incredibly kind generous people who wanted to give me back my lost history.
I was able to better understand a culture, very different from my own, that thought adoption was the best answer. To be more assured that the words, "Your mother wanted you to have a better life," are more true than my dark fear of "Your mother didn't want you."

But it is not a chapter book, it's a long road that has a lot of distinct mile markers along the way.

Recently I've been trying to figure out the answer to "What now?"

There were 26 years of not feeling Korean at all and all of my adoptee "schtuff" was buried deep, deep, deep down inside.
There was a year of therapy where I talked and talked about EVERYTHING surrounding adoption and my feelings and my identity.
There were seven months of waiting between knowing I was going to Korea and going to Korea.
There were 14 days of being in Korea, for the first time, with a group of strangers.
There were 2 months of coming home and talking about my trip, writing about it, and processing it.

And now...(sound cue of air slowly hissing out of a balloon)

I am American but I look Korean.
Now I've seen Korea and met Koreans and it was a positive experience.
But what about me is Korean other than the way I look?
I will never be culturally Korean unless I go live in Korea.
How do I connect to the Korean aspect of myself and more importantly, why do I feel such a strong responsibility to do so? 

-I enjoy cooking and eating Korean food, but it will not make me more Korean.
-I have tried to watch K-dramas and listen to Korean music, and while it is entertaining, I can't relate to it.
-My skin is so dark now that I can't imagine it fading to the light olive tone that meets my bikini lines and the dark tone is a dead giveaway I am not a citizen of Korea.
-Learning Korean is a long road ahead which I'm working towards, but can see it being years before I can hold a real conversation.
-It makes me skin crawl when adoptees say, "I'm a twinkie" (yellow on the outside and white on the inside) or when adoptees say, "I'm so Asian because _____" (choose your own stereotype: I like Hello Kitty, I love sushi, I'm good at math)

A part of the answer is that I have the power to pick and choose how I want to incorporate Korea into my life. 
My problem is that I haven't found an answer that feels authentic yet.
I can't help feeling like it's a big display.
How to do it in a way that doesn't feel like I'm the girl who went to Paris for a semester and came back with a fake accent, wearing a beret and starting sentences with, "Well, in Europe we..." with a mouthful of baguette?

Of course the difference between me and the annoying girl from high school is that I am Korean. I was born there. I look Korean. Somewhere in Korea, there is a group of people going about their daily lives that have the same blood as me.

But it's a part of my identity that I was denied that I can't get back, while also being a part of my identity that is at the forefront of how I am seen in the world. 

How do I reconcile the idea that I'm not seen as totally American in America and not totally Korean in Korea? Is incorporating aspects of a culture I did not grow up in but is a part of how I am seen by the rest of the world important? How am I benefiting from that? How am I a part of Korea and how is Korea a part of me? 

Maybe I'll find more pieces when I travel back by myself next year. I know there isn't a concrete answer. It'll slowly grow and change and evolve and when it comes down to it, it's whatever I want it to be...but I just can't wrap my brain around it right now.