Being home

I've been home from the trip to Korea for a little over a week.

I was anxious that when I came back I would have a difficult time but I am feeling pretty good.

I miss Korea. I miss seeing the same people everyday. I miss the food. (Oh, how I miss the food)

The only thing that I had a hard time with was waking up from sleep. For 7 days in a row, I startled awake and couldn't figure out where I was. I had dreams that I was with the group in a city far from Seoul and that I had to find my own way back to the airport or I would just wake up and not recognize where I was. It was a really disorienting feeling but it stopped a few days ago.

I think the most important part of my adjustment back home was that I had been doing work for a year in therapy to prepare me for the trip. I went into the trip knowing how I felt about many aspects of my adoption and prepared to feel and experience anything that came my way. I processed a lot of things during the trip- internally and during long conversations with group members
Also, blogging about how I felt before the trip helped me sort some things out for myself.
I am so grateful to my friends and family who have read it and told me that they gained an understanding about what I was experiencing that they didn't have before. I really can't express how much that means to me. 

I didn't know if coming back, I'd feel like I could talk about my trip but it has been easy for me. My friends and family have been really supportive. They have asked me insightful questions and been such good listeners. 
One friend was especially careful in the questions she asked me. I really appreciated the care she took. I told her she could ask me whatever she wanted. She was a close friend whose interest was genuine and invested in me and my experience. I told her if she did ask a question I didn't want to answer, I'd tell her.

What bothers me is when someone I don't know very well asks me really personal questions that are motivated from curiosity about the subject matter and not about myself. For example, I am at a party. I meet someone and they ask me where I am from...meaning where are you FROM?
After telling them I am a Korean adoptee, their follow up question is, "Are you going to look for your mom?" It goes from 0-60.
"Hi. I'm Corinne. I live in Seattle. Oh, I was born in Korea- that's why "my English is so good." Oh yes, let me share the story of coming to terms with my identity for the last 28 years."

I can't speak about other adoptees' experience. I can only speak from my own.
Some pretty universal advice I would give to friends of adoptees that come back from their trip would be this: 

• Express your interest in hearing about their trip- offer to spend some time together to catch up 
• If they say they need some time and space, allow them to have it but offer that whenever they're ready, you're there for them. 
• Listen to their story. 
• Intuit their level of readiness to share. Don't push too hard.
• If they share something that was hard for them, try not to 'silver line' it. 
• Ask questions but if they seem like they aren't ready to answer or answer the questions fully, be respectful and don't push for answers. 

As an adoptee, advice I would give to other adoptees would be: 

• If your friends' interest in your trip seems intrusive, understand your friends are interested because they care about you. 
• If you need time to yourself, take it. Let your friends know that you appreciate their support but need time to yourself. 
• Reach out to other adoptees because they can relate to your experience. Even if it's online. You're never alone. 
• Check in with yourself about what your needs. 
• If you are sharing and people ask questions you don't want to answer, don't feel like you have to answer. Gently let them know if there is something you don't want to talk about. 
• Try not to get upset if someone compares your experience to an experience they had if it misses the mark a little. 

Upon my return I have allowed myself to be, what I call, Selfish in a Healthy Way.
I have had some weird reactions to being home but I just let myself follow them.

I always thought it was cheesy when Korean Adoptees came back from Korea and only ate Korean food.
The first place I drove to, the day after I returned home, was H Mart, a Korean grocery store. I cooked myself and my friends a bunch of Korean salads. Since then, I've continued to make a lot of Korean food.
I felt like, "Ugh, Corinne, that's so cliche..." but whatever.
It just makes me happy.

I surrounded myself with specific friends.
If I don't feel like doing something, I don't force myself to.
I am reaching out in the adoptee community for support.
I am teaching myself Korean.
I'm only doing what makes me happy.

I am glad to be home but I do miss my Journey homies and Korea.

Birth Parent Search

Throughout my life, people have asked me, "Do you want to find your birth parents?"
Each adoptee feels really differently about their interest in a birth parent search.

I never had any interest in it growing up. My parents were my parents and that was enough for me. Even when I used to try and imagine my birth mother, I had no ideas about her- about what she looked like, what she was like- it was a big grey cloud in the shape of a woman. 

Last year, when I started to gain interest in the Korean adoptee part of myself, I joined an organization in Washington called AAAW (Asian Adult Adoptees of Washingtion), I joined some adoptee Facebook groups, and looked into a few websites for Korean adoptees. 

It's really incredible the amount of support that is out there for adoptees once you start looking.

Huge international organizations, adoption agencies that have resources, conferences, homeland trips, groups that you can reach out to in your community, artists making work about adoptee experiences, and authors who have written books on every aspect of adoption you can imagine. 

After reaching out to those groups, I learned where I could start to looking for more information, what information to look for, and what my rights were as an adoptee. 

I contacted my adoption agency: Spence Chapin in New York City. I wrote a brief e-mail asking what actions I could take in searching for my birth mother and looking into any additional information that the agency might have about my adoption. They replied quickly and assigned me a social worker. 

Searching for my birth mother was free. I filled out very simple paperwork- Name and contact info, a recent photo of myself and my ID, and a brief statement about myself and what I wanted to do if they found her. 

I could also do a file review at the cost of $50. I had all of my paperwork in English already so I decided to skip that part for the time being. 

My interest in searching had always been low but a part of why I never thought of searching for her was because it was a closed adoption. I had always thought that there was no information so I thought searching wasn't an option. Since 1986, laws have changed and you can access more information- if there is more information.

So here I was filling out a single sided piece of paper, making a photocopy of my license and a picture of myself. I'd send it off and there was a chance that from that, I'd find my birth mother. It was strange how simple it all was.

I didn't send it for a few days. I wasn't sure I was ready. 
I was concerned about what might happen. I wasn't sure how they'd approach her if they found her.
I didn't know how I would feel if they found her.
What did I want? What would be the best case scenario? How could I prepare myself for alternative outcomes? How would I feel if they found her and she didn't want contact with me? How would I feel if she suddenly wanted to be a big part of my life? How would I feel if she has passed away? How would I feel if I find out I have brothers and sisters? What if I connected with her for a little bit and then she disappeared again without warning? What if I found out she was a total mess? What if she made contact with me only in order to try and get something from me? What if I met her and saw disappointment in her eyes- that I was fat or rude or ugly?

I also was worried about her.
What if she never told anyone about me? What if she got married and had kids with someone and they never knew this side of her life and got really upset with her? What if, after her family found out about me, it ruined her life? What if me contacting her caused a huge rift between her and her family now, and then, I didn't want her to be a part of my life?

I've spent a lot of my life being incredibly impulsive-which I call "being a free spirit." I'll study in England on a whim. I'll move across the country for love. I'll pierce my nose one day because I woke up that morning having had a dream about it. I'll make a connection with a stranger and have a weird, random adventure with them and then never see them again. I still think I fall under the category of "free spirit" but sometimes I think I used that label to cover up the fact that I was always looking for something frantically to fill something that was empty- and those experiences temporarily filled in the gaps.

This was a decision I didn't want to be impulsive. I wanted to think about every aspect of the search because it didn't just effect me, it could potentially effect her too.

I talked to a lot of people about the situation. The general response was, "It doesn't matter how it effects her, it matters if it matters to you. You should seek out the answers you want." 

Yes, I agree. This is the response I would give to someone else but no matter how much I thought about it, I could not figure out what I wanted- I couldn't figure out even the fantasy of the best case scenario in my head. I don't know what it would look like. 

Maybe...I would search for her. The Social Welfare Society would find her. She'd still be with my father. We would meet and I'd see a reflection of how I look in them. They would cry. I would cry.
That's as far as I can get-
But there is sadness in the potential that they had more biological children and I'm the only one who isn't in their family.
There is sadness if they aren't together anymore.
There is sadness if I find out my mother wanted to give me up because she couldn't handle it.
There is sadness if she didn't want to give me up but she had to.
There is sadness if I meet her and felt like we're totally different people.
There is sadness if we feel an instant connection and we weren't together all these years.
There is sadness if they are still struggling to make ends meet.

Of course, within all this there would be joy in reunion and that we still have more time and that some of the unknown is filled in and a million other ways a reunion could be potentially positive that are unknown.

But these are all the things going through my head- Was I ready for anything- the good and the bad? 

But here is how it worked out- 

I submitted my paperwork. Three months later I get a voicemail from my social worker while I'm working. I listen to the voicemail. All it says is that they have information on my birth search and to call them back at my convenience. There was a 15 minute window between listening to the voicemail and a break where I can call my social worker back. In that 15 minute window I am freaking out. Did they find her? Did they find her?

I called my social worker back later. She told me that my mother had falsified some information on my paperwork and there wasn't a match. From what I gathered, they took birth mothers' name, age, address, and ID Number when I was released to adoption services. My social worker during my birth file review at SWS said that it was common for women to not carry their ID card with them when they gave birth- so either they provided false numbers or no numbers at all.

After the phone call I was crushed, I hated that I got false hope in something I wasn't even sure that I wanted. I was also upset that it shook up my narrative that I've been told since I was little. Here is you birth mother's name and age and a story she told a social worker about why she gave you up for adoption. Now there is someone saying, "Your birth mother provided false information on your birth file so we cannot find a match in our database." It makes me wonder- what part isn't true? Her ID number? Her name? Her age? The circumstances that she gave me up? No one knows- all they know is that info A, B and C do not combine to one person's information in the database.

After an hour or so, I calmed down. If I was 22 and unwed and scared, I don't know that I'd want to leave information for my child to be able to find me later. This was a choice she made 28 years ago.

Every adoptee has a different story and a different level of desire to seek information. 

There are more paths I could take in my search. Other adoption agencies offered to have the police help search. Some adoptees go to their birthparents' hometown and ask around for information. Right now, I am ok with not searching any further. 

Since I was a teenager, I have always had the same idea- I don't necessarily want to meet her.
I'd like a photo of my mother and father to see how much I look like them. As I said in a previous post, I feel like I have never seen someone who looks like me.
I'd also like to mail my mother a box of pictures, my accomplishments, and a letter to let her know that I had a great life.
I imagine she thinks about me often and wonders where I am and if I am happy and what I am like whether or not she wishes we had stayed together.

My therapist and I have talked about creating that box anyway. I'd fill a box with all of the things I'd want her to have. I'd write her a letter of all the things I'd like to say. Even without an address, I'd be sending the intention out into the universe and maybe it would reach her and she would find peace even if she didn't know why. I'd feel peace in knowing that if I could give her peace, I would. 

I have yet to make the box to send to my birth mother- less specifically, to the universe.
But maybe in time, I will.

What does it all meeeeaaaannn????

What does it all mean??!!??!
Of course that is a dramatic exaggeration of how I feel-
But really- I do feel changed but how so?
Often times, I'll feel a certain way and have no idea what is causing it or where to begin to look for the root.

During a long bus ride, I wrote down some questions to ask myself when I got home.
I shared them with another group member on the trip. She found them useful so I thought I would share.

Some of the questions I might not know the answers to. Some questions don't have answers. Some questions may not be applicable to other people.

What were my fears before the trip?

What were the obstacles I faced during the trip?

What fears do I have going home?

What questions do I feel I found answers to?

What is still unknown that I wish I could know?

Are there steps could I take to find the answers or should I work at finding peace in the unknown?

What did I learn about Korea?

What events or activities or site seeing on the trip resonated the most or had the most meaning?

What moments or things made me think I missed out on not growing up in Korea?

What moments or things made me feel proud to grow up in America?

What moments or things made me feel Korean?

What moments or things made me feel American?

What feelings and/or moments surprised me- good and bad?

If I could do the trip over again, under the same circumstances, what would I do differently?

What were the benefits of travelling with a group?

What were the challenges of travelling with a group?

What did you learn from other people on the Journey- members, staff, and guides?

What advice would I give to future Journey members?

Has my interest in my birth parent search been heightened since the trip? Am I less interested? Do I have the same feelings toward the search?

If I went back to Korea, what would I want to do that I didn't get a chance to or what would I go see again?

What fantasies did I realize I had about the trip/ birth file review/ birth search?

Day 14: K Drama IRL and a flight home

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

After Abbey's speech, our guide talked for a while about Journey and upcoming events, then we closed the ceremony with a prayer.

Then- of course, it was time to take a group photo!

After taking a bagillion-million-trillion photos, we headed to a restaurant to have lunch. Bulgogi hot pot and some yummy ban chan.

After lunch, we finished up some question/ answer videos for a video the company was putting together and it was over.

We hung around and chatted for a bit and then everyone went their separate ways. A lot of the group members were staying on an extra day or two all together in a hostel. I had a hard time watching the van of them roll out together. 

Sunny and Hyo, Korean staff members, took me to a bus stop to catch the bus to the airport.

While I was waiting to cross the street to the bus stop, I heard a noise I had never heard from a human or an animal in my life. It was like a high pitched growl-scream. It was utterly terrifying and everyone on the street turned around to see what it was.

I'll tell you what it was: It was a tiny Korean girl yelling at her boyfriend. She looked like she had the power of a thousand suns and he looked like a sad puppy who went on the rug and was caught by its owner. 

The growl-scream turned into shouting which turned into her slapping him in the face a few times and pulling on his shirt. He never hit back- he just sort of blocked shots and tried to gently pull her hands off of him.

I turned back around, to try not to be rude, but I was so intrigued.

The best part was when the shopkeeper of the store they were in front of very bluntly told them to get out from in front of the store using hand motions like "shoo, shoo"- at which point I noticed the boyfriend's (ex-boyfriends?) phone was in a million tiny pieces on the pavement.

GREEN LIGHT- It was time for me to cross the street. I was sad to leave the K-Drama that was unfolding in front of my eyes IRL.

I asked Suuny and Hyo, "This is normal?" 
Hyo answered, "Not normal, but kind of." -which is the shortest yet most complete answer I could have asked for. 

I said goodbye to Sunny and Hyo and got on the bus.

The crying part was over but I think something was going on between my brain and my body.
I could not stop sweating from the time I stepped foot into the airport until I was on the plane. It wasn't about missing my flight or not knowing how to navigate the airport...it was something different- just shear internal chaos.
This was unfortunate because the guy at Check-In was cute and I looked like I had just stepped out of a sauna.
I told him I wanted to check a second bag so I didn't have to carry it. The first bag was free and the second bag was: 100 dollars!!!! (WHAT THE....????) I told him I would reorganize my bags and make everything fit between my 2 carry-ons and my checked bag.
I rolled my suitcase over to the side which was still directly in front of everyone waiting to check in.
My suitcase sprung open and all of my everything was there for people to see- plus I am still drenched in sweat. 
I finally tetris-ed my way into getting everything to fit.

I walked around the shops before I entered the airport: I bought a copy of Korean Harper's Bazaar and Korean Vogue to take home. I'm going to miss all the advertisements in every store only featuring Korean people.

I had one last meal in Korea- fish cake soup with Udon noodles and a Cass beer. 

I bummed around a few more shops in the terminal (Korean Airports understand my needs...)

The flights home were easy peasy. I had a tight connection in Tokyo to make my flight to Seattle but they took good care of me. I got to go through a secret passage way to make it to my terminal. 

The flight from Tokyo to Seattle was a breeze. I watched Dallas Buyers Club, slept for 5 hours, and watched half of another film and we were landing. 

A police dog found my egg sandwich from Seoul that had been in my backpack for like, 18 hours. I had forgotten about it. The security man had a very serious face and told me I was going to have to report it to customs. I told him I could throw it out but he got even more serious and told me I had to take it to customs. 

Yessir! 

At customs, the lady apologized and told me she had to throw it out. 

Yeah, I know lady, no one wants to eat that egg sandwich. 

Ralf picked me up from the airport and that was that.

In the blink of an eye, I was sobbing in the airport- feeling unprepared to leave for Korea and there I was- back at Sea-Tac. 

The same but not the same. 

Day 14: Closing Ceremony cont...

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

After our speeches, a representative for the host families, her American name is Abbey, gave a speech about her feelings about the program and the adoptee experience. It was really great because she wrote a 5 minute speech and did the translating herself- she read a section in Korean and then in English.

She was Martine's, another member, host mother and shared a lot of great stories about the bond they forged over the 3 days that they spent together. I liked Abbey because she was a little hippie dippie woo-woo like me and Martine- you know- free spirit, energy, good vibes, the universe takes care of us kind of thing.

Abbey meant a lot to me but she didn't know it and here's why...

Tim and I had had a conversation a few days before about a puzzling feeling we were both experiencing:
We are Korean in Korea. Where are the people who look like me???
In a crowd, we could compare features people had.
We could say, "Wow, those people look similar" or maybe we could even say, "They have a similar nose to me" or "They have similar eyes to me"
- but we agreed that we had never found a face in a crowd and said, "Wow. They look like me."

We both found our answers at the end of the Journey. 

Abbey looks the most like me I've ever seen anyone look. 

We have the same cheeks. Similar eyes. Similar noses. 
I had never seen that before.
I wonder if she looked like me when she was younger.

I didn't find my birth mother- but a part of what I was searching for was someone who looked like me. 
Growing up, people would say I looked similar to other people- but most of the time it was just because that person was Asian- not because they genuinely looked like me.

I would always look at Asian people and think, "I don't look like them."
Not that I thought I was white, I just didn't see myself when I looked at other Asian people.
Meeting Abbey satiated something for me that I can't put into words. 

Likewise, after we got home, Tim posted a picture of himself when he was younger. He looked strikingly similar to another group member of ours named Axel. This was extra special because during our trip, Axel and Tim grew close like family.

Axel and Tim on the last day.

All that searching we did to find someone who reflects our own image back at us- through decades, through cities, in crowds, over continents- and we both had our answers delivered to us on this Journey. I am grateful. 

Day 14: The closing ceremony- my speech.

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

We arrived at the closing ceremony. Most of our homestay families were there.
My host father gave me a lovely gift of soaps and lotions. It was so sweet!

We prayed and listened as a few members of the company gave speeches about the purpose of the Journey Program.

Then it was our turn to give speeches. Everyone's speech was from the heart. It was lovely to hear each member of our group highlight their favorite parts of our trip and describe the impact the trip had on them as they prepare to return home.

This was my speech: 

Today I walked into the coffee shop that we had breakfast at every morning in Seoul. 
Before today I had not spoken to the owner personally- only "hello and "thank you."
He greeted me when I walked in and said, "Today is a sad day because you are leaving, but it is a good day because from this day forward, we are friends forever." 

This is how I found so many Korean people truly feel. 

When I came on this Journey, I didn't know what to expect. I knew I was arriving with an open heart and an open mind. 

Over the past two weeks, I have made many friends, learned more about the rich history and culture of Korea, and, of course, enjoyed Korea's delicious food.

My favorite moment was watching traditional drumming and dancing at the folk village. 

I want to express my sincere gratitude to Mr. Park and the Journey staff for their hard work, understanding, patience, and dedication to the adoptee experience. I also would like to thank my host family, the Chae family, for opening their home to me. 

Thank you to the 2014 Journey Members for their bravery to explore a part of ourselves that is unknown. Despite our differences, the bond we share makes us family.

Upon my return, I am determined to learn the Korean language and I plan to return as soon as possible. 

Thank you all for your support and kindness and for welcoming me so warmly to Korea.

I am going home changed. 

Day 14: Best Friends at The Flower Cafe

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

Tim, a fellow Journey member, and me on the last morning of our trip.

While I cried all morning, he didn't tell me I shouldn't be crying. 

He didn't look uncomfortable at seeing me cry. 

He wiped my tears and smiled back. 

He understood I was crying out of joy and sadness.

I woke up early and got ready before everyone else. I got dressed up for the closing ceremony. I did my make-up but made sure to skip the eyeliner and mascara. Tears were inevitable.

While in Seoul, we had breakfast at the same place every morning. I went to the cafe by myself and ordered an Americano. We had to prepare a 5 minute speech to read at the closing ceremony and I needed a few moments to collect my thoughts.

I walked into the cafe and was greeted warmly by the owner. I had seen him every time I went to the cafe but nothing more than "Hello" and "Thank You."
He said to me so genuinely, "Today is a sad day because you are leaving. But it is a good day because from now on we will be friends forever."
He wrote down his name on a piece of paper and told me to find him on Facebook.
I started to cry.

This was the way I was welcomed by almost every Korean person I met on the trip. "Hello. Nice to meet you. We are now friends forever"- and they mean it!
It was similar but not quite the same back home in New York. It was the opposite of the general sentiment of Seattle.

I sat in the sunshine and wrote my speech. My other group members joined me. They could tell I was a wreck.

One of the guys from the group said he didn't feel any sadness. He preferred to live in the moment. He didn't think about leaving the group and leaving Korea. He wanted to enjoy every moment we had together.
Tim and I supported him. We told him that that was fine- it's OK not to feel sad or to not want to cry. Maybe he'd never feel sad about parting ways- maybe this trip was only happiness. Maybe he would experience a more emotional reaction later- in an hour, in a week, or 5 years from now.

We told him that the most important part was to not deny any feelings he did have, whatever they were and whenever they decided to bubble up. Let any emotion that came up- happiness, loss, anger, sadness, resentment, fear- manifest itself and to explore it.
We warned not to tell himself he shouldn't be feeling a certain way, but it was ok if he didn't feel the same way everyone else was feeling.

It can be easy to be confused about how you feel. Especially when all the feelings are new-when they surround a part of yourself that you either denied existed or didn't know was there.
You look around a room at a bunch of people crying and think, "What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel this way? They are so emotional and I don't feel anything."
On the other hand, you can be your own enemy by saying to yourself things like, "Why am I so sad and so angry? I was given this opportunity to come to Korea with almost all my expenses paid, and I feel so sad. I should be happy!"
It's ok to feel everything or nothing or some where in between- as long as you aren't telling yourself how to feel or not to feel.

I returned to the hotel and brought my bags downstairs and we made our way to the closing ceremony...