Each adoptee feels really differently about their interest in a birth parent search.
I never had any interest in it growing up. My parents were my parents and that was enough for me. Even when I used to try and imagine my birth mother, I had no ideas about her- about what she looked like, what she was like- it was a big grey cloud in the shape of a woman.
Last year, when I started to gain interest in the Korean adoptee part of myself, I joined an organization in Washington called AAAW (Asian Adult Adoptees of Washingtion), I joined some adoptee Facebook groups, and looked into a few websites for Korean adoptees.
It's really incredible the amount of support that is out there for adoptees once you start looking.
Huge international organizations, adoption agencies that have resources, conferences, homeland trips, groups that you can reach out to in your community, artists making work about adoptee experiences, and authors who have written books on every aspect of adoption you can imagine.
After reaching out to those groups, I learned where I could start to looking for more information, what information to look for, and what my rights were as an adoptee.
I contacted my adoption agency: Spence Chapin in New York City. I wrote a brief e-mail asking what actions I could take in searching for my birth mother and looking into any additional information that the agency might have about my adoption. They replied quickly and assigned me a social worker.
Searching for my birth mother was free. I filled out very simple paperwork- Name and contact info, a recent photo of myself and my ID, and a brief statement about myself and what I wanted to do if they found her.
I could also do a file review at the cost of $50. I had all of my paperwork in English already so I decided to skip that part for the time being.
My interest in searching had always been low but a part of why I never thought of searching for her was because it was a closed adoption. I had always thought that there was no information so I thought searching wasn't an option. Since 1986, laws have changed and you can access more information- if there is more information.
So here I was filling out a single sided piece of paper, making a photocopy of my license and a picture of myself. I'd send it off and there was a chance that from that, I'd find my birth mother. It was strange how simple it all was.
I didn't send it for a few days. I wasn't sure I was ready.
I was concerned about what might happen. I wasn't sure how they'd approach her if they found her.
I didn't know how I would feel if they found her.
What did I want? What would be the best case scenario? How could I prepare myself for alternative outcomes? How would I feel if they found her and she didn't want contact with me? How would I feel if she suddenly wanted to be a big part of my life? How would I feel if she has passed away? How would I feel if I find out I have brothers and sisters? What if I connected with her for a little bit and then she disappeared again without warning? What if I found out she was a total mess? What if she made contact with me only in order to try and get something from me? What if I met her and saw disappointment in her eyes- that I was fat or rude or ugly?
I also was worried about her.
What if she never told anyone about me? What if she got married and had kids with someone and they never knew this side of her life and got really upset with her? What if, after her family found out about me, it ruined her life? What if me contacting her caused a huge rift between her and her family now, and then, I didn't want her to be a part of my life?
I've spent a lot of my life being incredibly impulsive-which I call "being a free spirit." I'll study in England on a whim. I'll move across the country for love. I'll pierce my nose one day because I woke up that morning having had a dream about it. I'll make a connection with a stranger and have a weird, random adventure with them and then never see them again. I still think I fall under the category of "free spirit" but sometimes I think I used that label to cover up the fact that I was always looking for something frantically to fill something that was empty- and those experiences temporarily filled in the gaps.
This was a decision I didn't want to be impulsive. I wanted to think about every aspect of the search because it didn't just effect me, it could potentially effect her too.
I talked to a lot of people about the situation. The general response was, "It doesn't matter how it effects her, it matters if it matters to you. You should seek out the answers you want."
Yes, I agree. This is the response I would give to someone else but no matter how much I thought about it, I could not figure out what I wanted- I couldn't figure out even the fantasy of the best case scenario in my head. I don't know what it would look like.
Maybe...I would search for her. The Social Welfare Society would find her. She'd still be with my father. We would meet and I'd see a reflection of how I look in them. They would cry. I would cry.
That's as far as I can get-
But there is sadness in the potential that they had more biological children and I'm the only one who isn't in their family.
There is sadness if they aren't together anymore.
There is sadness if I find out my mother wanted to give me up because she couldn't handle it.
There is sadness if she didn't want to give me up but she had to.
There is sadness if I meet her and felt like we're totally different people.
There is sadness if we feel an instant connection and we weren't together all these years.
There is sadness if they are still struggling to make ends meet.
Of course, within all this there would be joy in reunion and that we still have more time and that some of the unknown is filled in and a million other ways a reunion could be potentially positive that are unknown.
But these are all the things going through my head- Was I ready for anything- the good and the bad?
But here is how it worked out-
I submitted my paperwork. Three months later I get a voicemail from my social worker while I'm working. I listen to the voicemail. All it says is that they have information on my birth search and to call them back at my convenience. There was a 15 minute window between listening to the voicemail and a break where I can call my social worker back. In that 15 minute window I am freaking out. Did they find her? Did they find her?
I called my social worker back later. She told me that my mother had falsified some information on my paperwork and there wasn't a match. From what I gathered, they took birth mothers' name, age, address, and ID Number when I was released to adoption services. My social worker during my birth file review at SWS said that it was common for women to not carry their ID card with them when they gave birth- so either they provided false numbers or no numbers at all.
After the phone call I was crushed, I hated that I got false hope in something I wasn't even sure that I wanted. I was also upset that it shook up my narrative that I've been told since I was little. Here is you birth mother's name and age and a story she told a social worker about why she gave you up for adoption. Now there is someone saying, "Your birth mother provided false information on your birth file so we cannot find a match in our database." It makes me wonder- what part isn't true? Her ID number? Her name? Her age? The circumstances that she gave me up? No one knows- all they know is that info A, B and C do not combine to one person's information in the database.
After an hour or so, I calmed down. If I was 22 and unwed and scared, I don't know that I'd want to leave information for my child to be able to find me later. This was a choice she made 28 years ago.
Every adoptee has a different story and a different level of desire to seek information.
There are more paths I could take in my search. Other adoption agencies offered to have the police help search. Some adoptees go to their birthparents' hometown and ask around for information. Right now, I am ok with not searching any further.
Since I was a teenager, I have always had the same idea- I don't necessarily want to meet her.
I'd like a photo of my mother and father to see how much I look like them. As I said in a previous post, I feel like I have never seen someone who looks like me.
I'd also like to mail my mother a box of pictures, my accomplishments, and a letter to let her know that I had a great life.
I imagine she thinks about me often and wonders where I am and if I am happy and what I am like whether or not she wishes we had stayed together.
My therapist and I have talked about creating that box anyway. I'd fill a box with all of the things I'd want her to have. I'd write her a letter of all the things I'd like to say. Even without an address, I'd be sending the intention out into the universe and maybe it would reach her and she would find peace even if she didn't know why. I'd feel peace in knowing that if I could give her peace, I would.
I have yet to make the box to send to my birth mother- less specifically, to the universe.
But maybe in time, I will.
I was concerned about what might happen. I wasn't sure how they'd approach her if they found her.
I didn't know how I would feel if they found her.
What did I want? What would be the best case scenario? How could I prepare myself for alternative outcomes? How would I feel if they found her and she didn't want contact with me? How would I feel if she suddenly wanted to be a big part of my life? How would I feel if she has passed away? How would I feel if I find out I have brothers and sisters? What if I connected with her for a little bit and then she disappeared again without warning? What if I found out she was a total mess? What if she made contact with me only in order to try and get something from me? What if I met her and saw disappointment in her eyes- that I was fat or rude or ugly?
I also was worried about her.
What if she never told anyone about me? What if she got married and had kids with someone and they never knew this side of her life and got really upset with her? What if, after her family found out about me, it ruined her life? What if me contacting her caused a huge rift between her and her family now, and then, I didn't want her to be a part of my life?
I've spent a lot of my life being incredibly impulsive-which I call "being a free spirit." I'll study in England on a whim. I'll move across the country for love. I'll pierce my nose one day because I woke up that morning having had a dream about it. I'll make a connection with a stranger and have a weird, random adventure with them and then never see them again. I still think I fall under the category of "free spirit" but sometimes I think I used that label to cover up the fact that I was always looking for something frantically to fill something that was empty- and those experiences temporarily filled in the gaps.
This was a decision I didn't want to be impulsive. I wanted to think about every aspect of the search because it didn't just effect me, it could potentially effect her too.
I talked to a lot of people about the situation. The general response was, "It doesn't matter how it effects her, it matters if it matters to you. You should seek out the answers you want."
Yes, I agree. This is the response I would give to someone else but no matter how much I thought about it, I could not figure out what I wanted- I couldn't figure out even the fantasy of the best case scenario in my head. I don't know what it would look like.
Maybe...I would search for her. The Social Welfare Society would find her. She'd still be with my father. We would meet and I'd see a reflection of how I look in them. They would cry. I would cry.
That's as far as I can get-
But there is sadness in the potential that they had more biological children and I'm the only one who isn't in their family.
There is sadness if they aren't together anymore.
There is sadness if I find out my mother wanted to give me up because she couldn't handle it.
There is sadness if she didn't want to give me up but she had to.
There is sadness if I meet her and felt like we're totally different people.
There is sadness if we feel an instant connection and we weren't together all these years.
There is sadness if they are still struggling to make ends meet.
Of course, within all this there would be joy in reunion and that we still have more time and that some of the unknown is filled in and a million other ways a reunion could be potentially positive that are unknown.
But these are all the things going through my head- Was I ready for anything- the good and the bad?
But here is how it worked out-
I submitted my paperwork. Three months later I get a voicemail from my social worker while I'm working. I listen to the voicemail. All it says is that they have information on my birth search and to call them back at my convenience. There was a 15 minute window between listening to the voicemail and a break where I can call my social worker back. In that 15 minute window I am freaking out. Did they find her? Did they find her?
I called my social worker back later. She told me that my mother had falsified some information on my paperwork and there wasn't a match. From what I gathered, they took birth mothers' name, age, address, and ID Number when I was released to adoption services. My social worker during my birth file review at SWS said that it was common for women to not carry their ID card with them when they gave birth- so either they provided false numbers or no numbers at all.
After the phone call I was crushed, I hated that I got false hope in something I wasn't even sure that I wanted. I was also upset that it shook up my narrative that I've been told since I was little. Here is you birth mother's name and age and a story she told a social worker about why she gave you up for adoption. Now there is someone saying, "Your birth mother provided false information on your birth file so we cannot find a match in our database." It makes me wonder- what part isn't true? Her ID number? Her name? Her age? The circumstances that she gave me up? No one knows- all they know is that info A, B and C do not combine to one person's information in the database.
After an hour or so, I calmed down. If I was 22 and unwed and scared, I don't know that I'd want to leave information for my child to be able to find me later. This was a choice she made 28 years ago.
Every adoptee has a different story and a different level of desire to seek information.
There are more paths I could take in my search. Other adoption agencies offered to have the police help search. Some adoptees go to their birthparents' hometown and ask around for information. Right now, I am ok with not searching any further.
Since I was a teenager, I have always had the same idea- I don't necessarily want to meet her.
I'd like a photo of my mother and father to see how much I look like them. As I said in a previous post, I feel like I have never seen someone who looks like me.
I'd also like to mail my mother a box of pictures, my accomplishments, and a letter to let her know that I had a great life.
I imagine she thinks about me often and wonders where I am and if I am happy and what I am like whether or not she wishes we had stayed together.
My therapist and I have talked about creating that box anyway. I'd fill a box with all of the things I'd want her to have. I'd write her a letter of all the things I'd like to say. Even without an address, I'd be sending the intention out into the universe and maybe it would reach her and she would find peace even if she didn't know why. I'd feel peace in knowing that if I could give her peace, I would.
I have yet to make the box to send to my birth mother- less specifically, to the universe.
But maybe in time, I will.
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