We are so sold as a society to think: Once I have ______ I will be happy forever.
Founnd a husband.
That promotion.
A baby.
Beat cancer.
Enough money.
A house.
Found your birth parents...
In reality, we are constantly weighing the happiness with the sadness. The triumph and the defeat.
If you are lucky, the happiness surpasses the sadness, or you can hold both at the same time with equal amounts of pride and joy. If you are struggling to balance or feel far from the equilibrium, keep fighting because when you struggle and succeed, you have earned it. Be patient, the pay off will come. The universe has treasures in store that are unforeseen.
I was reminded of that today.
From Facebook, it seems like I am doing great being back from Korea. I posted photos of food I cooked, art I made, and my partner and I climbing a mountain.
The reality is that I am struggling. I wondered to myself- "Are you saying everything is ok because it is or because you want it to be?" I had a week home where close friends wanted to hear my stories, people patted me on the back for going, and I was high off of the buzz of being there. I started new projects and I was so busy I didn't feel anything negative.
Now I am back. I'm settling in. I feel good but changed. There are changes in my friendships. I am having weird dreams. I have had some interesting social interactions with Asian women all of a sudden coming up to me saying, "We're both Asian!" and expecting a comradery that I have never had happen before and I am wondering, "Why now?"....is it a coincidence that this has happened 3 times this week?
I am trying to navigate the waters of what has changed and how to adapt. How do I bring a changed self into a world of the old self- what stays, what goes, what's new?
Maybe one of my ways of coping, which worked for me for so much of my life is to say, "Hey everyone!!!! I'm fine!!!! Look at me! I beat the stereotype. I win!!!!!!" I didn't mean to. I didn't consciously react that way, but now I am wondering if that was what was going on.
I thought I was fine sharing my story. The reasons I thought I was fine was because I carefully picked the people I told it to. I met up with friends that were good listeners or struggled with identity in some other way and could relate to the thing I was telling them.
This week I realized 2 things:
1. I am not ready to share my story with people who are looking at me for help- who are looking at my experience and weighing it against whether they are ready to make a similar trip. This is not to say the people looking for help are wrong for asking. I am saying that I am not ready to offer that support. I am still sorting through it because I don't understand what it means. I don't know. If you ask me if you should go on a group trip, all I can share with you is my experience on my own trip. I am a totally different person with a totally different group on a totally different experience than you will have.
If you are asking someone who just came back from their trip to share their story, listen intently, internalize it, and decide for yourself if you think you are ready. If you know you are ready, decide in what capacity you want to go back- a tour, alone, or with friends.
You could listen to 10,000 adoptee stories about going back to Korea and no one will have the same reaction, same opinion, or same experience that you will have. But I recommend it: listen to as many stories as you can because even though you might not relate to every emotion or moment in their story, you'll be able to relate to parts of it and better prepare yourself for your own experiences.
Other adoptees can clue you in on what emotions might surface that you can prepare yourself for. For example, I mentioned this in an earlier post: I didn't know how I would feel towards people in my group that found their birth parents. Would I be resentful towards them? Would I be sad? Would I be jealous? I went in prepared for all of those feelings but in the end I was so happy for the people who found their parents that I, personally, didn't feel any of the negative emotions I was worried I'd feel.
I am hippie- dippie-woo-woo so take that advice with a grain of salt: You'll arrive at your own truth and realization. If you have the intent that you are ready to go to Korea, in mind, body and spirit, I believe the universe will guide you where you need to go.
2. I am also not ready to defend myself. If people would like to listen and ask questions about how I feel, I am happy to share, but if they are looking at me to ask questions, have me respond, and then make counter arguments to my opinions about it- I am not ready. I'm overly sensitive. I had a discussion with a non-adoptee about adoptee parents' motivations to adopt. I tried to give a broad spectrum of different types of families that take in relinquished children, and they told me I was being small minded. I was voicing my concerns that not all parents but some, no matter how well intended their motivations are, sometimes miss the mark of the adoptee experience. I meant, I worry about adoptees in those types of situations.
I am also not saying that people need to be 100% politically correct with me for all time. People don't need to walk on eggshells worrying they'll offend me. I will tell people when I don't feel comfortable talking about something- but when I do say I don't want to talk about it- I mean it. I am not a debater. I am a listener. I am thinker. I will absorb it but I will not fight back to persuade. Don't try and push me to defend myself because I don't like it. It's not a part of who I am.
Right now, a week after being home, I am sensitive, confused, frustrated, and tired-so if I seem that way, I am. At the same time, I am happy to be home and with people I love. I am happy to be back in America and not just identify as a Korean Adoptee- to be able to remember I am a million other things as well. But I have thoughts racing through my head like firecrackers.
Going to Korea wasn't closure- it was an awakening that I am still trying to understand.
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