Asian American Experience & Entertainment

Fresh Off the Boat is coming to ABC. It's the story of Eddie Huang's family. Taiwanese immigrants that move from DC to Orlando so his father can live out the 'American Dream.' The story is told from the parents' perspective as well as the kids.

There have been a lot of polarizing posts about the show within the Asian community. Some say that it's the representation that the Asian community that has been lacking for years. Some say that it's perpetuating stereotypes.

I've thought a lot about it and I think there are pros and cons to the premise of the show.

1. It is one person's memoir made into a TV show. It is from a book he wrote. The title is the same title as his memoir. It is not meant to be the sole representation of Asian American life. It is his story. In his words. With a title that he feels comfortable with.

2. You hang out with a group of Asian Americans and they will tell you similar stories to that of Eddie Huang. The struggle to find acceptance. Being called racist slurs. Having to prove you are American when you aren't Caucasian.

3. The premise of the show is a fish out of water story and that makes me uncomfortable. They want to be American so badly- but can't quite blend in. Despite making jokes about the culture they've found themselves in, and some of that culture's absurdity, most of the humor stems from the fact that they don't fit in.

4. I can laugh at these jokes because I can relate to them. People who haven't been through similar experiences are laughing for a different reason. 'Laughing at' instead of 'Laughing with.'
    This kind of exposure, to these kind of jokes, encourages people to re-tell these jokes to me- which I don't find funny- and then they don't understand why it didn't make me laugh, it made me defensive. They are telling similar jokes to what they see on shows like these. Often times, it's a way of saying, "See!!! I GET the joke" but it doesn't come off that way. Why? Because they lack ownership of the experience.

So that got me thinking-

What would the perfect representation of Asian Americans in mainstream pop culture look like?

The show Traffic Light did it well- even though that show was short lived. One of the 3 main characters was married to an Asian woman and they had a baby. The baby was bi-racial. Her ethnicity never came up and they were happily married. She didn't have an accent. The husband wasn't taken to ethnic cultural ceremonies where he felt out of place as a Caucasian male. She was successful without making it seem like she was a smart BECAUSE she was Asian. The fact that they were a bi-racial couple was never brought up- like in real life.

I would like to see Asian Americans in mainstream pop culture without a justification of WHY they are Asian. It is that simple.

But then that denies the problems that exist within the Asian American experience...

Maybe I'd like to see a show that featured Asian Americans where, once their characters were established, issues that stemmed from race were explored without being exploited...

I don't know the answer. Thoughts?

I was recently at a open discussion about sustainability in the theatre community in Seattle.
The only people of color in the room was me and a Filipina woman. She brought up the idea of racial diversity and sustainability.

She voiced that sometimes people of color don't feel comfortable going certain auditions because of race. For example, a period piece or a show that revolves around a nuclear family.

She and I spoke to the fact that we were Asian American women that didn't want to be pigeon holed into doing plays that centered around Asian American or Asian issues. We wanted to have the same opportunity as everyone else to audition and be cast without attention being drawn to our ethnicity.

At this point, two young Caucasian males spoke up. One young man said, "Why don't we create a forum on TPS' website for minorities to get together, talk to each other, and create a play about their struggles?" The other young man said that he was often discouraged from going to an audition because the character description called for a person of a specific cultural and/or ethnic background other than Caucasian and he knew he couldn't audition for a part and that that was worse and/ or the same thing.

Were these comments racist? No.
Were they ignorant? Yes.

These young men meant no offense but they missed the point of what we were talking about in such a way that perfectly proved our point.

What is the answer? How can we build to a higher ground?

When I have ______ I will be happy forever.

We are so sold as a society to think: Once I have ______ I will be happy forever.
Founnd a husband.
That promotion.
A baby.
Beat cancer.
Enough money.
A house.
Found your birth parents...

In reality, we are constantly weighing the happiness with the sadness. The triumph and the defeat.
If you are lucky, the happiness surpasses the sadness, or you can hold both at the same time with equal amounts of pride and joy.  If you are struggling to balance or feel far from the equilibrium, keep fighting because when you struggle and succeed, you have earned it. Be patient, the pay off will come. The universe has treasures in store that are unforeseen.

I was reminded of that today. 
From Facebook, it seems like I am doing great being back from Korea. I posted photos of food I cooked, art I made, and my partner and I climbing a mountain.

The reality is that I am struggling. I wondered to myself- "Are you saying everything is ok because it is or because you want it to be?" I had a week home where close friends wanted to hear my stories, people patted me on the back for going, and I was high off of the buzz of being there. I started new projects and I was so busy I didn't feel anything negative.

Now I am back. I'm settling in. I feel good but changed. There are changes in my friendships. I am having weird dreams. I have had some interesting social interactions with Asian women all of a sudden coming up to me saying, "We're both Asian!" and expecting a comradery that I have never had happen before and I am wondering, "Why now?"....is it a coincidence that this has happened 3 times this week?

I am trying to navigate the waters of what has changed and how to adapt. How do I bring a changed self into a world of the old self- what stays, what goes, what's new?

Maybe one of my ways of coping, which worked for me for so much of my life is to say, "Hey everyone!!!! I'm fine!!!! Look at me! I beat the stereotype. I win!!!!!!" I didn't mean to. I didn't consciously react that way, but now I am wondering if that was what was going on.

I thought I was fine sharing my story. The reasons I thought I was fine was because I carefully picked the people I told it to. I met up with friends that were good listeners or struggled with identity in some other way and could relate to the thing I was telling them.

This week I realized 2 things: 
       1. I am not ready to share my story with people who are looking at me for help- who are looking at my experience and weighing it against whether they are ready to make a similar trip. This is not to say the people looking for help are wrong for asking. I am saying that I am not ready to offer that support. I am still sorting through it because I don't understand what it means. I don't know. If you ask me if you should go on a group trip, all I can share with you is my experience on my own trip. I am a totally different person with a totally different group on a totally different experience than you will have.
 If you are asking someone who just came back from their trip to share their story, listen intently, internalize it, and decide for yourself if you think you are ready. If you know you are ready, decide in what capacity you want to go back- a tour, alone, or with friends.
You could listen to 10,000 adoptee stories about going back to Korea and no one will have the same reaction, same opinion, or same experience that you will have. But I recommend it: listen to as many stories as you can because even though you might not relate to every emotion or moment in their story, you'll be able to relate to parts of it and better prepare yourself for your own experiences.
Other adoptees can clue you in on what emotions might surface that you can prepare yourself for. For example, I mentioned this in an earlier post: I didn't know how I would feel towards people in my group that found their birth parents. Would I be resentful towards them? Would I be sad? Would I be jealous? I went in prepared for all of those feelings but in the end I was so happy for the people who found their parents that I, personally, didn't feel any of the negative emotions I was worried I'd feel.  
I am hippie- dippie-woo-woo so take that advice with a grain of salt: You'll arrive at your own truth and realization. If you have the intent that you are ready to go to Korea, in mind, body and spirit, I believe the universe will guide you where you need to go.
       2. I am also not ready to defend myself. If people would like to listen and ask questions about how I feel, I am happy to share, but if they are looking at me to ask questions, have me respond, and then make counter arguments to my opinions about it- I am not ready. I'm overly sensitive. I had a discussion with a non-adoptee about adoptee parents' motivations to adopt. I tried to give a broad spectrum of different types of families that take in relinquished children, and they told me I was being small minded. I was voicing my concerns that not all parents but some, no matter how well intended their motivations are, sometimes miss the mark of the adoptee experience. I meant, I worry about adoptees in those types of situations.

I am also not saying that people need to be 100% politically correct with me for all time. People don't need to walk on eggshells worrying they'll offend me. I will tell people when I don't feel comfortable talking about something- but when I do say I don't want to talk about it- I mean it. I am not a debater. I am a listener. I am thinker. I will absorb it but I will not fight back to persuade. Don't try and push me to defend myself because I don't like it. It's not a part of who I am.

Right now, a week after being home, I am sensitive, confused, frustrated, and tired-so if I seem that way, I am. At the same time, I am happy to be home and with people I love. I am happy to be back in America and not just identify as a Korean Adoptee- to be able to remember I am a million other things as well. But I have thoughts racing through my head like firecrackers.

Going to Korea wasn't closure- it was an awakening that I am still trying to understand. 

Should I go to Korea in a group?

I have had a lot of people ask if they'd recommend going to Korea for the first time with a group on a tour or by themselves or with a group of friends.

That depends...

It depends on:

• Are you a group person? 
• Are you an itinerary person? 
• Do you need a lot of time to yourself and privacy? 
• Do you want to be with other adoptees that are experiencing Korea for the first time? 
• Are you ok with being with a group of people you haven't met? 
• What do you want out of the experience: to experience Korean daily life or see lots of things in Korea or both? 
• Where are you financially? (Many groups will sponsor or partially sponsor your trip)
• Do you only have a specific window of time to travel or can you go when the organization is planning a trip?
• If you're thinking of going with friends, are they on their own agenda or are they willing to be your guide? In other words, are they going back and you're going with them or are they going with you to help you or both? 

My apprehensions about a tour- before changing my mind and thinking it was a good idea.
"I don't want to be a tourist in Korea. I want to go with someone I know who is Korean. I want to stay with their family or in a hostel. I want to do what I do every time I travel- try to blend in the best as possible. Eat what the locals eat. Do what the locals do. Live the life I would have lived if I grew up there. I don't want to search for my birth parents. I just want to see what Korea is like. I don't want to go with a group of adoptees and stick out. Putting on a hanbok, making kim chi, and going site seeing is NOT going to make me feel more Korean."


My reasons for choosing a tour: 

1. I am impulsive. I spent 27 years not being ready to go to Korea. When I decided I was ready to go, I HAD to go. 
2. I had no money. 
3. After a year of talking to other adoptees, I knew being in a group with other adoptees going through the same emotions would bebeneficial. (Did I get along with everyone in the group? No. Were there times I felt like, "Oh my God, I can't be around you right now" to people I DID like on the trip? Yes. But I can genuinely say it was in a "You're a part of my family. I love you. But seriously, go away" sort of way) 
4. The trip that I ended up going on paid for everything but my airfare for a 2 week trip. (Seriously, everything. I spent money there but it was on coffee and souvenirs) 
5. They planned everything. I didn't have to think at all before I left except book my ticket. 
6. This tour included a birth parent search and a file review. 
7. I knew a trip like this would give me a good idea of how to approach another trip back by myself. 

I loved the tour I went on. 

My group was amazing.
Like I said, being in a group was not sunshine and roses and warm fuzzy thoughts every moment of the trip. We were 11 strangers from all over the world with different objectives of what we wanted to get out of the trip. We were different personalities all coping with high levels of stress, anxiety, and insecurities.
That said, this experience bonded us from the start. I looked around the room at the 10 other people and thought, "This is it. 2 weeks. Non-stop. These people are my people. Make it work." There is a level of comradery from the start. We all share the experience of being transracially adopted. We all had a level of bravery to fly across the world to share this experience. No one else will experience what we are about to experience.

Everything was taken care of.
Food. Itinerary. Site seeing and activities. Accommodations.
We saw a lot of Korea- Gyeong Ju, Jeju, Busan, Sokcho.
We did a lot of things that I would never have gone to on my own- folk villages, landmarks, etc.
I am not a history person but learning about Korea's history helped me understand the people and a culture that thought adoption was the right choice.
Participating in cultural activities that I initially thought were cheesy, made me feel prideful.


Things to consider: (This is based on MY tour. Every tour is different, so research)

• I was with my group members all the time. If we weren't on the bus together or site seeing together, we were in the hotel together 5 to a living space (sometimes all one big room, sometimes 2 bedrooms there was enough physical space every where we went but not a lot of 'space' space). 
• We were on a tight itinerary that allowed us to see a lot but it did not allow for a lot of down time, free time, or sleep. 
• Really look into what the tour's motivations and objectives are in bringing you back to Korea. Ours had a TV crew attached to it that was not mentioned to the full extent prior to the trip. It wasn't a big deal to me, I wasn't filmed, but it was an issue for other group members. 

What I would do differently if I could do it all again: 

• Learn more of the language prior to going on the trip. (Not necessary, I got around fine, but to quell a lot of my own insecurities, I wish I taught myself more before the trip. 
• I would have booked 4-5 days after the tour to myself in a hostel and traveled around to see things that weren't a part of the tour. 

I can't say what it's like going back with friends or in another capacity but these are some pros and cons to a tour. It's not for everyone.

In the end, I loved the program. I loved the people. I loved the food. I loved what I saw. I love what I learned. There were times when I was tired and crabby, but there was no point that I regretted my decision. I am truly grateful to the company that took my on the tour. I only know of one person from the group who walked away feeling let down by the experience but that was a result of a series of small issues that led to a big issue and a lack of communication and understanding.

Even though there were points of frustration along the way, I had a positive experience going with a group for the first time. 

My Parents

September, 1986: Look at my mom's face. This photo makes my heart all glowy.

 Christmas 2013: Haven't changed a bit, right?

My parents have been really supportive of my birth search and my trip to Korea. 

When I was younger, we had a group called KAOS (Kids Adopted from Over Seas). We got together for pot lucks and holiday parties with other adoptee families. I also attended a day camp called Camp Chin Gu at a local college. It was a Korean culture day camp for adoptees and their siblings. We also had a foreign exchange student when I was 16 from Korea.

They've always been open with me about my adoption. There was no hiding that I was adopted obviously, but they told me everything right from the start. They told me my adoption story in the same way parents tell their kids their birth stories. 
"We wanted a baby. After trying to have our own and not being able to, we put in the paperwork to adopt and then you came to us. With hardly any notice, we raced down to New York City to pick you up and bring you home."
is similar:
"We wanted a baby. After being in mommy's tummy for 9 months, we welcomed you into the world."

If I wanted to see my paperwork, they showed it to me. If I showed interest in Korea, they nurtured it. If I seemed like I didn't want to explore my Korean heritage, they didn't push it. If I said, "I don't look like you." They said, "That's right. You don't, and that's ok."

We celebrated what we call "Airplane Day" as a second birthday, the day I came to America. We had a special dinner and I got a small gift. Other families call it "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day."
My favorite was when my 4th Grade teacher celebrated my airplane day by taking time during our school day for us to make paper airplanes. We went into the hallway. She put a hula hoop on the floor and marked a starting line. "Fly Corinne to America everyone!" and then we had a treat my mom sent with me to school.

I worried about my parents when I started the birth search. It wasn't that I didn't think that they would support me. I worried they'd fear I was ungrateful or secretly resentful. I worried they'd feel left out. I worried they'd fear I was somehow choosing Korea and my birth mom over them.
I went from never having any interest in Korea to talking about it often and frequently crying over the phone when I called home to tell my parents about what I was working through in therapy.
It's hard to hear your daughter cry over the phone and be 3,000 miles away.
It's also hard when your child is going through something new, good or bad, to not be there to support them or feel like you're not actively doing something to help the cause.

I talked it through with my mom to make sure she was feeling good. Not that I would have stopped the search or my own discovery if she was feeling sad, I just wanted to explain my motivations and my reasons for searching to the best of my ability to ease any fears she had. She assured me she knew I was hers and nothing was going to change that. She told me that if she were in the same shoes, she'd search too. 

As I said before, in the airport before my flight, I was crying on the phone to my parents as they told me how happy they were for me and that they understood to the best of their ability what I was going through.

I e-mailed them along the way. For a while, my gmail account was lagging in updates and I thought they weren't responding to my e-mails. I didn't think they weren't writing back, but I was afraid that either they weren't receiving my e-mails or they didn't want to bother me while I was on my trip.
While I was waiting for the social worker to photo copy some documents, all of my parents' e-mails came through on my phone. I cried out of relief and joy. It was the perfect timing to get those words of kindness and support from them.

Since being back, I have talked to my parents about my trip- they read the blog and saw photos along the way.
I didn't get them anything in Korea...All the gifts I saw were either not their style or too impersonal to send home. I am making them a Shutterfly photobook of the trip so they can see everything I did and share my experience as much as they can.

Another way I am incorporating my family into my experience is that I ordered my parents and myself a copy of I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children, Editor Sara Dorow. It is a collection of letters from Korean birth mothers to their children they have given up for adoption. I hear it's a real heart wrencher but in a good way. I had heard about it before my trip but didn't feel like I could read it until now.
Link to Amazon.com: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children
We are going to read it together and talk about it after. 

For me, it was never solely about finding my birth parents. It was about discovering my personal history and identity- to expand in every aspect. 

Being home

I've been home from the trip to Korea for a little over a week.

I was anxious that when I came back I would have a difficult time but I am feeling pretty good.

I miss Korea. I miss seeing the same people everyday. I miss the food. (Oh, how I miss the food)

The only thing that I had a hard time with was waking up from sleep. For 7 days in a row, I startled awake and couldn't figure out where I was. I had dreams that I was with the group in a city far from Seoul and that I had to find my own way back to the airport or I would just wake up and not recognize where I was. It was a really disorienting feeling but it stopped a few days ago.

I think the most important part of my adjustment back home was that I had been doing work for a year in therapy to prepare me for the trip. I went into the trip knowing how I felt about many aspects of my adoption and prepared to feel and experience anything that came my way. I processed a lot of things during the trip- internally and during long conversations with group members
Also, blogging about how I felt before the trip helped me sort some things out for myself.
I am so grateful to my friends and family who have read it and told me that they gained an understanding about what I was experiencing that they didn't have before. I really can't express how much that means to me. 

I didn't know if coming back, I'd feel like I could talk about my trip but it has been easy for me. My friends and family have been really supportive. They have asked me insightful questions and been such good listeners. 
One friend was especially careful in the questions she asked me. I really appreciated the care she took. I told her she could ask me whatever she wanted. She was a close friend whose interest was genuine and invested in me and my experience. I told her if she did ask a question I didn't want to answer, I'd tell her.

What bothers me is when someone I don't know very well asks me really personal questions that are motivated from curiosity about the subject matter and not about myself. For example, I am at a party. I meet someone and they ask me where I am from...meaning where are you FROM?
After telling them I am a Korean adoptee, their follow up question is, "Are you going to look for your mom?" It goes from 0-60.
"Hi. I'm Corinne. I live in Seattle. Oh, I was born in Korea- that's why "my English is so good." Oh yes, let me share the story of coming to terms with my identity for the last 28 years."

I can't speak about other adoptees' experience. I can only speak from my own.
Some pretty universal advice I would give to friends of adoptees that come back from their trip would be this: 

• Express your interest in hearing about their trip- offer to spend some time together to catch up 
• If they say they need some time and space, allow them to have it but offer that whenever they're ready, you're there for them. 
• Listen to their story. 
• Intuit their level of readiness to share. Don't push too hard.
• If they share something that was hard for them, try not to 'silver line' it. 
• Ask questions but if they seem like they aren't ready to answer or answer the questions fully, be respectful and don't push for answers. 

As an adoptee, advice I would give to other adoptees would be: 

• If your friends' interest in your trip seems intrusive, understand your friends are interested because they care about you. 
• If you need time to yourself, take it. Let your friends know that you appreciate their support but need time to yourself. 
• Reach out to other adoptees because they can relate to your experience. Even if it's online. You're never alone. 
• Check in with yourself about what your needs. 
• If you are sharing and people ask questions you don't want to answer, don't feel like you have to answer. Gently let them know if there is something you don't want to talk about. 
• Try not to get upset if someone compares your experience to an experience they had if it misses the mark a little. 

Upon my return I have allowed myself to be, what I call, Selfish in a Healthy Way.
I have had some weird reactions to being home but I just let myself follow them.

I always thought it was cheesy when Korean Adoptees came back from Korea and only ate Korean food.
The first place I drove to, the day after I returned home, was H Mart, a Korean grocery store. I cooked myself and my friends a bunch of Korean salads. Since then, I've continued to make a lot of Korean food.
I felt like, "Ugh, Corinne, that's so cliche..." but whatever.
It just makes me happy.

I surrounded myself with specific friends.
If I don't feel like doing something, I don't force myself to.
I am reaching out in the adoptee community for support.
I am teaching myself Korean.
I'm only doing what makes me happy.

I am glad to be home but I do miss my Journey homies and Korea.

Birth Parent Search

Throughout my life, people have asked me, "Do you want to find your birth parents?"
Each adoptee feels really differently about their interest in a birth parent search.

I never had any interest in it growing up. My parents were my parents and that was enough for me. Even when I used to try and imagine my birth mother, I had no ideas about her- about what she looked like, what she was like- it was a big grey cloud in the shape of a woman. 

Last year, when I started to gain interest in the Korean adoptee part of myself, I joined an organization in Washington called AAAW (Asian Adult Adoptees of Washingtion), I joined some adoptee Facebook groups, and looked into a few websites for Korean adoptees. 

It's really incredible the amount of support that is out there for adoptees once you start looking.

Huge international organizations, adoption agencies that have resources, conferences, homeland trips, groups that you can reach out to in your community, artists making work about adoptee experiences, and authors who have written books on every aspect of adoption you can imagine. 

After reaching out to those groups, I learned where I could start to looking for more information, what information to look for, and what my rights were as an adoptee. 

I contacted my adoption agency: Spence Chapin in New York City. I wrote a brief e-mail asking what actions I could take in searching for my birth mother and looking into any additional information that the agency might have about my adoption. They replied quickly and assigned me a social worker. 

Searching for my birth mother was free. I filled out very simple paperwork- Name and contact info, a recent photo of myself and my ID, and a brief statement about myself and what I wanted to do if they found her. 

I could also do a file review at the cost of $50. I had all of my paperwork in English already so I decided to skip that part for the time being. 

My interest in searching had always been low but a part of why I never thought of searching for her was because it was a closed adoption. I had always thought that there was no information so I thought searching wasn't an option. Since 1986, laws have changed and you can access more information- if there is more information.

So here I was filling out a single sided piece of paper, making a photocopy of my license and a picture of myself. I'd send it off and there was a chance that from that, I'd find my birth mother. It was strange how simple it all was.

I didn't send it for a few days. I wasn't sure I was ready. 
I was concerned about what might happen. I wasn't sure how they'd approach her if they found her.
I didn't know how I would feel if they found her.
What did I want? What would be the best case scenario? How could I prepare myself for alternative outcomes? How would I feel if they found her and she didn't want contact with me? How would I feel if she suddenly wanted to be a big part of my life? How would I feel if she has passed away? How would I feel if I find out I have brothers and sisters? What if I connected with her for a little bit and then she disappeared again without warning? What if I found out she was a total mess? What if she made contact with me only in order to try and get something from me? What if I met her and saw disappointment in her eyes- that I was fat or rude or ugly?

I also was worried about her.
What if she never told anyone about me? What if she got married and had kids with someone and they never knew this side of her life and got really upset with her? What if, after her family found out about me, it ruined her life? What if me contacting her caused a huge rift between her and her family now, and then, I didn't want her to be a part of my life?

I've spent a lot of my life being incredibly impulsive-which I call "being a free spirit." I'll study in England on a whim. I'll move across the country for love. I'll pierce my nose one day because I woke up that morning having had a dream about it. I'll make a connection with a stranger and have a weird, random adventure with them and then never see them again. I still think I fall under the category of "free spirit" but sometimes I think I used that label to cover up the fact that I was always looking for something frantically to fill something that was empty- and those experiences temporarily filled in the gaps.

This was a decision I didn't want to be impulsive. I wanted to think about every aspect of the search because it didn't just effect me, it could potentially effect her too.

I talked to a lot of people about the situation. The general response was, "It doesn't matter how it effects her, it matters if it matters to you. You should seek out the answers you want." 

Yes, I agree. This is the response I would give to someone else but no matter how much I thought about it, I could not figure out what I wanted- I couldn't figure out even the fantasy of the best case scenario in my head. I don't know what it would look like. 

Maybe...I would search for her. The Social Welfare Society would find her. She'd still be with my father. We would meet and I'd see a reflection of how I look in them. They would cry. I would cry.
That's as far as I can get-
But there is sadness in the potential that they had more biological children and I'm the only one who isn't in their family.
There is sadness if they aren't together anymore.
There is sadness if I find out my mother wanted to give me up because she couldn't handle it.
There is sadness if she didn't want to give me up but she had to.
There is sadness if I meet her and felt like we're totally different people.
There is sadness if we feel an instant connection and we weren't together all these years.
There is sadness if they are still struggling to make ends meet.

Of course, within all this there would be joy in reunion and that we still have more time and that some of the unknown is filled in and a million other ways a reunion could be potentially positive that are unknown.

But these are all the things going through my head- Was I ready for anything- the good and the bad? 

But here is how it worked out- 

I submitted my paperwork. Three months later I get a voicemail from my social worker while I'm working. I listen to the voicemail. All it says is that they have information on my birth search and to call them back at my convenience. There was a 15 minute window between listening to the voicemail and a break where I can call my social worker back. In that 15 minute window I am freaking out. Did they find her? Did they find her?

I called my social worker back later. She told me that my mother had falsified some information on my paperwork and there wasn't a match. From what I gathered, they took birth mothers' name, age, address, and ID Number when I was released to adoption services. My social worker during my birth file review at SWS said that it was common for women to not carry their ID card with them when they gave birth- so either they provided false numbers or no numbers at all.

After the phone call I was crushed, I hated that I got false hope in something I wasn't even sure that I wanted. I was also upset that it shook up my narrative that I've been told since I was little. Here is you birth mother's name and age and a story she told a social worker about why she gave you up for adoption. Now there is someone saying, "Your birth mother provided false information on your birth file so we cannot find a match in our database." It makes me wonder- what part isn't true? Her ID number? Her name? Her age? The circumstances that she gave me up? No one knows- all they know is that info A, B and C do not combine to one person's information in the database.

After an hour or so, I calmed down. If I was 22 and unwed and scared, I don't know that I'd want to leave information for my child to be able to find me later. This was a choice she made 28 years ago.

Every adoptee has a different story and a different level of desire to seek information. 

There are more paths I could take in my search. Other adoption agencies offered to have the police help search. Some adoptees go to their birthparents' hometown and ask around for information. Right now, I am ok with not searching any further. 

Since I was a teenager, I have always had the same idea- I don't necessarily want to meet her.
I'd like a photo of my mother and father to see how much I look like them. As I said in a previous post, I feel like I have never seen someone who looks like me.
I'd also like to mail my mother a box of pictures, my accomplishments, and a letter to let her know that I had a great life.
I imagine she thinks about me often and wonders where I am and if I am happy and what I am like whether or not she wishes we had stayed together.

My therapist and I have talked about creating that box anyway. I'd fill a box with all of the things I'd want her to have. I'd write her a letter of all the things I'd like to say. Even without an address, I'd be sending the intention out into the universe and maybe it would reach her and she would find peace even if she didn't know why. I'd feel peace in knowing that if I could give her peace, I would. 

I have yet to make the box to send to my birth mother- less specifically, to the universe.
But maybe in time, I will.

What does it all meeeeaaaannn????

What does it all mean??!!??!
Of course that is a dramatic exaggeration of how I feel-
But really- I do feel changed but how so?
Often times, I'll feel a certain way and have no idea what is causing it or where to begin to look for the root.

During a long bus ride, I wrote down some questions to ask myself when I got home.
I shared them with another group member on the trip. She found them useful so I thought I would share.

Some of the questions I might not know the answers to. Some questions don't have answers. Some questions may not be applicable to other people.

What were my fears before the trip?

What were the obstacles I faced during the trip?

What fears do I have going home?

What questions do I feel I found answers to?

What is still unknown that I wish I could know?

Are there steps could I take to find the answers or should I work at finding peace in the unknown?

What did I learn about Korea?

What events or activities or site seeing on the trip resonated the most or had the most meaning?

What moments or things made me think I missed out on not growing up in Korea?

What moments or things made me feel proud to grow up in America?

What moments or things made me feel Korean?

What moments or things made me feel American?

What feelings and/or moments surprised me- good and bad?

If I could do the trip over again, under the same circumstances, what would I do differently?

What were the benefits of travelling with a group?

What were the challenges of travelling with a group?

What did you learn from other people on the Journey- members, staff, and guides?

What advice would I give to future Journey members?

Has my interest in my birth parent search been heightened since the trip? Am I less interested? Do I have the same feelings toward the search?

If I went back to Korea, what would I want to do that I didn't get a chance to or what would I go see again?

What fantasies did I realize I had about the trip/ birth file review/ birth search?