This is real life.

Let me preface this story with- I am not saying I am surprised and outraged by the following conversation. 
I want to share it as an example of what happens to me on a regular basis. 
This kind of conversation has taken place many, many times before.
It connects to my previous post about the fact that this is how I am viewed by the culture around me, while feeling disconnected to the culture I am assumed to be. 

INTERIOR- Afternoon

An estate sale inside a house in Ballard. A young Asian American woman, 28, is looking through clothes, books, and household items. A man, Caucasian, late 50s-early 60s, approaches.

Man: Do you like New York?

Woman: I'm from New York.

Man: Really? Where? Brooklyn?

Woman: No, I'm from Upstate, Rochester.

Man: Ahhh...Ni hao ma.

Woman: I don't speak Chinese.

Man: What languages do you speak?

Woman: English.

Man sighs heavily, annoyed.

Man: Yeah, but you don't have an accent like New York. Where are you from?

Woman, who has been speaking with a perfect American accent answers confidently.

Woman: I was born in Korea. I grew up in New York.

Man: Bangapseumnida.

Woman looks at him quizzically and continues to shop.

Man: I spent some time in Korea. Seoul is a great city. Busan...eh, I didn't care for it much. But Seoul, if you were to go there today...well, you wouldn't even recognize it.

Woman ignores Man's comments and continues to walk through the house.
Man exits the house to the sidewalk.  Woman selects a few item, pays, and then exits the house.

CONT' EXTERIOR- Afternoon

Man: Bangapseumnida. Bangapseumnida. What do you do?

Woman: I'm a nanny.

Man: That's important work. I used to work with autistic kids- had a couple of savants. Now one works for Microsoft. He can look through data and find errors like  that-

Man snaps his fingers.

Woman smiles politely as she fishes her keys in her purse.

Woman: Uh- huh

She unlocks car then drives away.



So what's wrong with this conversation? 
- When I said I spoke English, I meant it. I don't speak Korean yet.
- He told me I don't have a 'New York' accent...implying I have what kind of accent?
- My reaction was cold and I totally shut down.

What is the most troubling to me, in the age of Facebook, is that we'd say, "That's racist" or "He's a jerk."

Facebook and HuffPo and Buzzfeed are constantly telling me to be outraged by things like that.

Racist is an inflammatory word that nobody wants to be called. 

This man was ignorant and presumptuous.

My reaction to the situation allows him to continue down that path.

I HATE being the advocate for diversity- I HATE IT.

But I could I have easily said to him, "I was born in Korea but I am American. I grew up in New York since I was 4 months old. I don't speak Korean. I speak English."

This is the dilemma: 

I look Korean,
I am American.

Often times, Americans want to prove how worldly they are by showing me how much they know about Korea- they know some Korean phrases, they love Korean food, they taught English in Korea...

This is meant as an offering- "See? I'm cool with you."
But it comes across as something different to my ears because it's a reminder that you see me as Korean, not American.

A: Where are you from?
B: I'm from New York.
A: Uh...But, I mean, Where are you from?

To me, my answer was clear: "I'm from New York."

In this 4 word sentence, I have just revealed how I identify culturally. The person who asks does not see that answer, and wants to entertain their own curiosity, not necessarily with ill intent.

I can give him the spiel of how I was born in Korean but was adopted, grew up in New York and have lived in Seattle for the past 2 years. It would be easy.
It's just one long run on sentence.

The problem doesn't lie in WHAT I have to do.
The problem lies in WHY I have to do it.

Why do I have to explain to you why I don't speak Korean?
When I tell you I'm from New York, why are you not satiated?
Why, when speaking in a perfect American accent, do you tell me that I don't sound like I'm from New York?

If a Caucasian American at a dinner party was asked, "Where are you from?" and they replied, "Well, I was an invitro-fertilization in a clinic in Colorado but then my mother, while pregnant with me, moved to South Carolina, where I was born. I don't have a Southern accent because my mother is actually from Colorado and my father, he's from Boston so sometimes when I say "car" you can hear it. Are you picking up on that?"
They would sound totally CRAZY!!!!!!!!!
But this is how I am expected to explain myself all the time. It's tiring.

We really have to stop using the word 'racist' so freely.
To me, 'racist' means- 'I believe one race is more superior to the other.'
What we're experiencing is insensitivity and ignorance along side misguided displays of acceptance.
Stereotypes that are perpetuated by the media saying- this is this and that is that.

It is frustrating being the teachers and advocates.
But we're going to create a larger divide with inaction.

Now what?

I look different to myself.

I can't explain it.
There was a moment when I was in Korea, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I looked different to myself.
We were in Gyeongju. It was halfway through our trip.
I can't tell you what changed or what appears different to me now.
It's not as simple as "I look more Korean to myself."
I know it's not negative but it's also not like, real touchy feely Eve Ensler type of "I finally came into my own to embrace my identity" feeling either...
I thought it would go away after I got back but it didn't. I still look in the mirror and I look different to myself.
I like it. It's just up my alley of woo-woo, "the universe is a magical mystical place" type stuff.

It has been two and a half months since I've been back. It feels like it was longer ago.

Everything is the same but slightly different.
I feel more centered. I feel more whole. A lot less anxiety. I've begun a bunch of different projects since I have been back- arts for children projects, teaching myself Korean, reading more. I have focused on relationships that are healthy and supportive, untethered myself from the unhealthy relationships in my life, and found closure with relationships that had loose ends. I am happy with work and am diving back into the performing arts.

Many people ask me if going to Korea answered all my questions or if I found what I was looking for or if it seemed like I could close a chapter of my life now.
In some ways, I did find answers. I was able to see a culture and a country that is connected to how people see me. Now when people say, "You're Korean? I love Korea." I can say, "Me too!" instead of thinking, "I probably know less about Korea than you do."
I was able to meet incredibly kind generous people who wanted to give me back my lost history.
I was able to better understand a culture, very different from my own, that thought adoption was the best answer. To be more assured that the words, "Your mother wanted you to have a better life," are more true than my dark fear of "Your mother didn't want you."

But it is not a chapter book, it's a long road that has a lot of distinct mile markers along the way.

Recently I've been trying to figure out the answer to "What now?"

There were 26 years of not feeling Korean at all and all of my adoptee "schtuff" was buried deep, deep, deep down inside.
There was a year of therapy where I talked and talked about EVERYTHING surrounding adoption and my feelings and my identity.
There were seven months of waiting between knowing I was going to Korea and going to Korea.
There were 14 days of being in Korea, for the first time, with a group of strangers.
There were 2 months of coming home and talking about my trip, writing about it, and processing it.

And now...(sound cue of air slowly hissing out of a balloon)

I am American but I look Korean.
Now I've seen Korea and met Koreans and it was a positive experience.
But what about me is Korean other than the way I look?
I will never be culturally Korean unless I go live in Korea.
How do I connect to the Korean aspect of myself and more importantly, why do I feel such a strong responsibility to do so? 

-I enjoy cooking and eating Korean food, but it will not make me more Korean.
-I have tried to watch K-dramas and listen to Korean music, and while it is entertaining, I can't relate to it.
-My skin is so dark now that I can't imagine it fading to the light olive tone that meets my bikini lines and the dark tone is a dead giveaway I am not a citizen of Korea.
-Learning Korean is a long road ahead which I'm working towards, but can see it being years before I can hold a real conversation.
-It makes me skin crawl when adoptees say, "I'm a twinkie" (yellow on the outside and white on the inside) or when adoptees say, "I'm so Asian because _____" (choose your own stereotype: I like Hello Kitty, I love sushi, I'm good at math)

A part of the answer is that I have the power to pick and choose how I want to incorporate Korea into my life. 
My problem is that I haven't found an answer that feels authentic yet.
I can't help feeling like it's a big display.
How to do it in a way that doesn't feel like I'm the girl who went to Paris for a semester and came back with a fake accent, wearing a beret and starting sentences with, "Well, in Europe we..." with a mouthful of baguette?

Of course the difference between me and the annoying girl from high school is that I am Korean. I was born there. I look Korean. Somewhere in Korea, there is a group of people going about their daily lives that have the same blood as me.

But it's a part of my identity that I was denied that I can't get back, while also being a part of my identity that is at the forefront of how I am seen in the world. 

How do I reconcile the idea that I'm not seen as totally American in America and not totally Korean in Korea? Is incorporating aspects of a culture I did not grow up in but is a part of how I am seen by the rest of the world important? How am I benefiting from that? How am I a part of Korea and how is Korea a part of me? 

Maybe I'll find more pieces when I travel back by myself next year. I know there isn't a concrete answer. It'll slowly grow and change and evolve and when it comes down to it, it's whatever I want it to be...but I just can't wrap my brain around it right now.

Adoption Books

I think I've ODed on adoption literature. Can't. Read. More...

That being said, they were great and I got something out of each one of them.

If you only read one, I recommend The Primal Wound.
The title and cover threw me a bit- it looked like it was a little too woo-woo and feely.
I hemmed and hawed over buying it. I thumbed through it three or four times at Elliott Bay Books before buying it. I'm glad I did.

Here's a list of what I've read. 
The book titles are linked to the book on Amazon.com.

1. The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier  

A mother of an adoptee has written a book that describes many facets of the adoptee experience. Interviews and examples.

• There is good focus on issues surrounding transracial adoption. 

• There were some effects of the adoption experience in her book I did not relate to but much of it I did. 

• It also gives the adoptee a well rounded outlook on what a reunion with birth family could hold- the good and the bad.

• My favorite concept from the book is that there is a triad of loss: The birth mother who gives up her child, the adoptee who is taken away from her birth family, and the adoptive mother who is mourning not having a child of their own (they are assuming that the adoptive mother cannot have children or have more children biologically). This idea is also suggesting that each person in the triad may not be consciously mourning these losses but that they're operating on some level within us.  

2. I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children by Sara Dorow

Korean birth mothers at a center for unwed mothers in Korea write letters to their children as a part of their healing process. An editor has selected letters for the book. The book mentions that the letters are written in a very poetic style so they use a lot of dramatic and descriptive language.

• It was a great read- and a quick read- but after a while the letters are a bit repetitive. 
• Some letters resonated more than others. I felt like from reading the letters and knowing my own story, I was piecing together a fictional letter from my own mother to me.  

• Growing up in the US, I think it was hard to understand how women were seen having children out of wedlock. After reading the book, I have a greater understanding of the cultural context surrounding birth mothers and adoption.  I had been told me whole life that my mother gave me up for adoption because unwed mothers in Korea are looked down upon. She was also very poor with many responsibilities- taking care of her younger brothers. My mother wanted me to have a better life and requested that I go to the United States.   

• What surprised me about the book was how many birth mothers thought that their children would grow up and hate their mothers for giving them away. They were all fearful of the anger and resentment their children would hold for them. 

3. Once They Hear My Name by Ellen Lee 

Extensive interviews are conducted with Korean adoptees about their experiences and feelings towards identity and adoption. Instead of transcribing the interviews in a Q&A format, the author took their interview and wrote a first person narrative that each adoptee then approved.

• The content of the book is great in theory but there is a weird flatness to the way the stories are written that makes it tough for me to read. I think that it lacks depth from being told as if it was in the first person while not actually being told in the first person. It comes across as "I was adopted. Then I felt sad and alone. I felt like an outsider. I thought I was white. Then I met Korean people at Korean culture camp. Then I went to college. Then I learned Korean. Now I feel more like myself."   It would have been a great documentary film.   

• Many aspects of their stories are relatable- growing up as the only person of color, meeting Korean people for the first time, going to Korea, searching for birth families, etc.

• I would recommend this book to people who haven't had the experience of meeting other adoptees to talk about their experiences or are just starting to explore the impact of adoption on their lives.

4. Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton 

This was the first book about adoption that I read. The title is pretty self explanatory.

• For me, this book didn't cover a lot about transracial adoption which was my main interest.

•  It was a good book and gave me lots to think about. It kind of opened the door to me exploring more about the effects of my adoption. 

Asian American Experience & Entertainment

Fresh Off the Boat is coming to ABC. It's the story of Eddie Huang's family. Taiwanese immigrants that move from DC to Orlando so his father can live out the 'American Dream.' The story is told from the parents' perspective as well as the kids.

There have been a lot of polarizing posts about the show within the Asian community. Some say that it's the representation that the Asian community that has been lacking for years. Some say that it's perpetuating stereotypes.

I've thought a lot about it and I think there are pros and cons to the premise of the show.

1. It is one person's memoir made into a TV show. It is from a book he wrote. The title is the same title as his memoir. It is not meant to be the sole representation of Asian American life. It is his story. In his words. With a title that he feels comfortable with.

2. You hang out with a group of Asian Americans and they will tell you similar stories to that of Eddie Huang. The struggle to find acceptance. Being called racist slurs. Having to prove you are American when you aren't Caucasian.

3. The premise of the show is a fish out of water story and that makes me uncomfortable. They want to be American so badly- but can't quite blend in. Despite making jokes about the culture they've found themselves in, and some of that culture's absurdity, most of the humor stems from the fact that they don't fit in.

4. I can laugh at these jokes because I can relate to them. People who haven't been through similar experiences are laughing for a different reason. 'Laughing at' instead of 'Laughing with.'
    This kind of exposure, to these kind of jokes, encourages people to re-tell these jokes to me- which I don't find funny- and then they don't understand why it didn't make me laugh, it made me defensive. They are telling similar jokes to what they see on shows like these. Often times, it's a way of saying, "See!!! I GET the joke" but it doesn't come off that way. Why? Because they lack ownership of the experience.

So that got me thinking-

What would the perfect representation of Asian Americans in mainstream pop culture look like?

The show Traffic Light did it well- even though that show was short lived. One of the 3 main characters was married to an Asian woman and they had a baby. The baby was bi-racial. Her ethnicity never came up and they were happily married. She didn't have an accent. The husband wasn't taken to ethnic cultural ceremonies where he felt out of place as a Caucasian male. She was successful without making it seem like she was a smart BECAUSE she was Asian. The fact that they were a bi-racial couple was never brought up- like in real life.

I would like to see Asian Americans in mainstream pop culture without a justification of WHY they are Asian. It is that simple.

But then that denies the problems that exist within the Asian American experience...

Maybe I'd like to see a show that featured Asian Americans where, once their characters were established, issues that stemmed from race were explored without being exploited...

I don't know the answer. Thoughts?

I was recently at a open discussion about sustainability in the theatre community in Seattle.
The only people of color in the room was me and a Filipina woman. She brought up the idea of racial diversity and sustainability.

She voiced that sometimes people of color don't feel comfortable going certain auditions because of race. For example, a period piece or a show that revolves around a nuclear family.

She and I spoke to the fact that we were Asian American women that didn't want to be pigeon holed into doing plays that centered around Asian American or Asian issues. We wanted to have the same opportunity as everyone else to audition and be cast without attention being drawn to our ethnicity.

At this point, two young Caucasian males spoke up. One young man said, "Why don't we create a forum on TPS' website for minorities to get together, talk to each other, and create a play about their struggles?" The other young man said that he was often discouraged from going to an audition because the character description called for a person of a specific cultural and/or ethnic background other than Caucasian and he knew he couldn't audition for a part and that that was worse and/ or the same thing.

Were these comments racist? No.
Were they ignorant? Yes.

These young men meant no offense but they missed the point of what we were talking about in such a way that perfectly proved our point.

What is the answer? How can we build to a higher ground?

When I have ______ I will be happy forever.

We are so sold as a society to think: Once I have ______ I will be happy forever.
Founnd a husband.
That promotion.
A baby.
Beat cancer.
Enough money.
A house.
Found your birth parents...

In reality, we are constantly weighing the happiness with the sadness. The triumph and the defeat.
If you are lucky, the happiness surpasses the sadness, or you can hold both at the same time with equal amounts of pride and joy.  If you are struggling to balance or feel far from the equilibrium, keep fighting because when you struggle and succeed, you have earned it. Be patient, the pay off will come. The universe has treasures in store that are unforeseen.

I was reminded of that today. 
From Facebook, it seems like I am doing great being back from Korea. I posted photos of food I cooked, art I made, and my partner and I climbing a mountain.

The reality is that I am struggling. I wondered to myself- "Are you saying everything is ok because it is or because you want it to be?" I had a week home where close friends wanted to hear my stories, people patted me on the back for going, and I was high off of the buzz of being there. I started new projects and I was so busy I didn't feel anything negative.

Now I am back. I'm settling in. I feel good but changed. There are changes in my friendships. I am having weird dreams. I have had some interesting social interactions with Asian women all of a sudden coming up to me saying, "We're both Asian!" and expecting a comradery that I have never had happen before and I am wondering, "Why now?"....is it a coincidence that this has happened 3 times this week?

I am trying to navigate the waters of what has changed and how to adapt. How do I bring a changed self into a world of the old self- what stays, what goes, what's new?

Maybe one of my ways of coping, which worked for me for so much of my life is to say, "Hey everyone!!!! I'm fine!!!! Look at me! I beat the stereotype. I win!!!!!!" I didn't mean to. I didn't consciously react that way, but now I am wondering if that was what was going on.

I thought I was fine sharing my story. The reasons I thought I was fine was because I carefully picked the people I told it to. I met up with friends that were good listeners or struggled with identity in some other way and could relate to the thing I was telling them.

This week I realized 2 things: 
       1. I am not ready to share my story with people who are looking at me for help- who are looking at my experience and weighing it against whether they are ready to make a similar trip. This is not to say the people looking for help are wrong for asking. I am saying that I am not ready to offer that support. I am still sorting through it because I don't understand what it means. I don't know. If you ask me if you should go on a group trip, all I can share with you is my experience on my own trip. I am a totally different person with a totally different group on a totally different experience than you will have.
 If you are asking someone who just came back from their trip to share their story, listen intently, internalize it, and decide for yourself if you think you are ready. If you know you are ready, decide in what capacity you want to go back- a tour, alone, or with friends.
You could listen to 10,000 adoptee stories about going back to Korea and no one will have the same reaction, same opinion, or same experience that you will have. But I recommend it: listen to as many stories as you can because even though you might not relate to every emotion or moment in their story, you'll be able to relate to parts of it and better prepare yourself for your own experiences.
Other adoptees can clue you in on what emotions might surface that you can prepare yourself for. For example, I mentioned this in an earlier post: I didn't know how I would feel towards people in my group that found their birth parents. Would I be resentful towards them? Would I be sad? Would I be jealous? I went in prepared for all of those feelings but in the end I was so happy for the people who found their parents that I, personally, didn't feel any of the negative emotions I was worried I'd feel.  
I am hippie- dippie-woo-woo so take that advice with a grain of salt: You'll arrive at your own truth and realization. If you have the intent that you are ready to go to Korea, in mind, body and spirit, I believe the universe will guide you where you need to go.
       2. I am also not ready to defend myself. If people would like to listen and ask questions about how I feel, I am happy to share, but if they are looking at me to ask questions, have me respond, and then make counter arguments to my opinions about it- I am not ready. I'm overly sensitive. I had a discussion with a non-adoptee about adoptee parents' motivations to adopt. I tried to give a broad spectrum of different types of families that take in relinquished children, and they told me I was being small minded. I was voicing my concerns that not all parents but some, no matter how well intended their motivations are, sometimes miss the mark of the adoptee experience. I meant, I worry about adoptees in those types of situations.

I am also not saying that people need to be 100% politically correct with me for all time. People don't need to walk on eggshells worrying they'll offend me. I will tell people when I don't feel comfortable talking about something- but when I do say I don't want to talk about it- I mean it. I am not a debater. I am a listener. I am thinker. I will absorb it but I will not fight back to persuade. Don't try and push me to defend myself because I don't like it. It's not a part of who I am.

Right now, a week after being home, I am sensitive, confused, frustrated, and tired-so if I seem that way, I am. At the same time, I am happy to be home and with people I love. I am happy to be back in America and not just identify as a Korean Adoptee- to be able to remember I am a million other things as well. But I have thoughts racing through my head like firecrackers.

Going to Korea wasn't closure- it was an awakening that I am still trying to understand. 

Should I go to Korea in a group?

I have had a lot of people ask if they'd recommend going to Korea for the first time with a group on a tour or by themselves or with a group of friends.

That depends...

It depends on:

• Are you a group person? 
• Are you an itinerary person? 
• Do you need a lot of time to yourself and privacy? 
• Do you want to be with other adoptees that are experiencing Korea for the first time? 
• Are you ok with being with a group of people you haven't met? 
• What do you want out of the experience: to experience Korean daily life or see lots of things in Korea or both? 
• Where are you financially? (Many groups will sponsor or partially sponsor your trip)
• Do you only have a specific window of time to travel or can you go when the organization is planning a trip?
• If you're thinking of going with friends, are they on their own agenda or are they willing to be your guide? In other words, are they going back and you're going with them or are they going with you to help you or both? 

My apprehensions about a tour- before changing my mind and thinking it was a good idea.
"I don't want to be a tourist in Korea. I want to go with someone I know who is Korean. I want to stay with their family or in a hostel. I want to do what I do every time I travel- try to blend in the best as possible. Eat what the locals eat. Do what the locals do. Live the life I would have lived if I grew up there. I don't want to search for my birth parents. I just want to see what Korea is like. I don't want to go with a group of adoptees and stick out. Putting on a hanbok, making kim chi, and going site seeing is NOT going to make me feel more Korean."


My reasons for choosing a tour: 

1. I am impulsive. I spent 27 years not being ready to go to Korea. When I decided I was ready to go, I HAD to go. 
2. I had no money. 
3. After a year of talking to other adoptees, I knew being in a group with other adoptees going through the same emotions would bebeneficial. (Did I get along with everyone in the group? No. Were there times I felt like, "Oh my God, I can't be around you right now" to people I DID like on the trip? Yes. But I can genuinely say it was in a "You're a part of my family. I love you. But seriously, go away" sort of way) 
4. The trip that I ended up going on paid for everything but my airfare for a 2 week trip. (Seriously, everything. I spent money there but it was on coffee and souvenirs) 
5. They planned everything. I didn't have to think at all before I left except book my ticket. 
6. This tour included a birth parent search and a file review. 
7. I knew a trip like this would give me a good idea of how to approach another trip back by myself. 

I loved the tour I went on. 

My group was amazing.
Like I said, being in a group was not sunshine and roses and warm fuzzy thoughts every moment of the trip. We were 11 strangers from all over the world with different objectives of what we wanted to get out of the trip. We were different personalities all coping with high levels of stress, anxiety, and insecurities.
That said, this experience bonded us from the start. I looked around the room at the 10 other people and thought, "This is it. 2 weeks. Non-stop. These people are my people. Make it work." There is a level of comradery from the start. We all share the experience of being transracially adopted. We all had a level of bravery to fly across the world to share this experience. No one else will experience what we are about to experience.

Everything was taken care of.
Food. Itinerary. Site seeing and activities. Accommodations.
We saw a lot of Korea- Gyeong Ju, Jeju, Busan, Sokcho.
We did a lot of things that I would never have gone to on my own- folk villages, landmarks, etc.
I am not a history person but learning about Korea's history helped me understand the people and a culture that thought adoption was the right choice.
Participating in cultural activities that I initially thought were cheesy, made me feel prideful.


Things to consider: (This is based on MY tour. Every tour is different, so research)

• I was with my group members all the time. If we weren't on the bus together or site seeing together, we were in the hotel together 5 to a living space (sometimes all one big room, sometimes 2 bedrooms there was enough physical space every where we went but not a lot of 'space' space). 
• We were on a tight itinerary that allowed us to see a lot but it did not allow for a lot of down time, free time, or sleep. 
• Really look into what the tour's motivations and objectives are in bringing you back to Korea. Ours had a TV crew attached to it that was not mentioned to the full extent prior to the trip. It wasn't a big deal to me, I wasn't filmed, but it was an issue for other group members. 

What I would do differently if I could do it all again: 

• Learn more of the language prior to going on the trip. (Not necessary, I got around fine, but to quell a lot of my own insecurities, I wish I taught myself more before the trip. 
• I would have booked 4-5 days after the tour to myself in a hostel and traveled around to see things that weren't a part of the tour. 

I can't say what it's like going back with friends or in another capacity but these are some pros and cons to a tour. It's not for everyone.

In the end, I loved the program. I loved the people. I loved the food. I loved what I saw. I love what I learned. There were times when I was tired and crabby, but there was no point that I regretted my decision. I am truly grateful to the company that took my on the tour. I only know of one person from the group who walked away feeling let down by the experience but that was a result of a series of small issues that led to a big issue and a lack of communication and understanding.

Even though there were points of frustration along the way, I had a positive experience going with a group for the first time. 

My Parents

September, 1986: Look at my mom's face. This photo makes my heart all glowy.

 Christmas 2013: Haven't changed a bit, right?

My parents have been really supportive of my birth search and my trip to Korea. 

When I was younger, we had a group called KAOS (Kids Adopted from Over Seas). We got together for pot lucks and holiday parties with other adoptee families. I also attended a day camp called Camp Chin Gu at a local college. It was a Korean culture day camp for adoptees and their siblings. We also had a foreign exchange student when I was 16 from Korea.

They've always been open with me about my adoption. There was no hiding that I was adopted obviously, but they told me everything right from the start. They told me my adoption story in the same way parents tell their kids their birth stories. 
"We wanted a baby. After trying to have our own and not being able to, we put in the paperwork to adopt and then you came to us. With hardly any notice, we raced down to New York City to pick you up and bring you home."
is similar:
"We wanted a baby. After being in mommy's tummy for 9 months, we welcomed you into the world."

If I wanted to see my paperwork, they showed it to me. If I showed interest in Korea, they nurtured it. If I seemed like I didn't want to explore my Korean heritage, they didn't push it. If I said, "I don't look like you." They said, "That's right. You don't, and that's ok."

We celebrated what we call "Airplane Day" as a second birthday, the day I came to America. We had a special dinner and I got a small gift. Other families call it "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day."
My favorite was when my 4th Grade teacher celebrated my airplane day by taking time during our school day for us to make paper airplanes. We went into the hallway. She put a hula hoop on the floor and marked a starting line. "Fly Corinne to America everyone!" and then we had a treat my mom sent with me to school.

I worried about my parents when I started the birth search. It wasn't that I didn't think that they would support me. I worried they'd fear I was ungrateful or secretly resentful. I worried they'd feel left out. I worried they'd fear I was somehow choosing Korea and my birth mom over them.
I went from never having any interest in Korea to talking about it often and frequently crying over the phone when I called home to tell my parents about what I was working through in therapy.
It's hard to hear your daughter cry over the phone and be 3,000 miles away.
It's also hard when your child is going through something new, good or bad, to not be there to support them or feel like you're not actively doing something to help the cause.

I talked it through with my mom to make sure she was feeling good. Not that I would have stopped the search or my own discovery if she was feeling sad, I just wanted to explain my motivations and my reasons for searching to the best of my ability to ease any fears she had. She assured me she knew I was hers and nothing was going to change that. She told me that if she were in the same shoes, she'd search too. 

As I said before, in the airport before my flight, I was crying on the phone to my parents as they told me how happy they were for me and that they understood to the best of their ability what I was going through.

I e-mailed them along the way. For a while, my gmail account was lagging in updates and I thought they weren't responding to my e-mails. I didn't think they weren't writing back, but I was afraid that either they weren't receiving my e-mails or they didn't want to bother me while I was on my trip.
While I was waiting for the social worker to photo copy some documents, all of my parents' e-mails came through on my phone. I cried out of relief and joy. It was the perfect timing to get those words of kindness and support from them.

Since being back, I have talked to my parents about my trip- they read the blog and saw photos along the way.
I didn't get them anything in Korea...All the gifts I saw were either not their style or too impersonal to send home. I am making them a Shutterfly photobook of the trip so they can see everything I did and share my experience as much as they can.

Another way I am incorporating my family into my experience is that I ordered my parents and myself a copy of I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children, Editor Sara Dorow. It is a collection of letters from Korean birth mothers to their children they have given up for adoption. I hear it's a real heart wrencher but in a good way. I had heard about it before my trip but didn't feel like I could read it until now.
Link to Amazon.com: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children
We are going to read it together and talk about it after. 

For me, it was never solely about finding my birth parents. It was about discovering my personal history and identity- to expand in every aspect. 

Being home

I've been home from the trip to Korea for a little over a week.

I was anxious that when I came back I would have a difficult time but I am feeling pretty good.

I miss Korea. I miss seeing the same people everyday. I miss the food. (Oh, how I miss the food)

The only thing that I had a hard time with was waking up from sleep. For 7 days in a row, I startled awake and couldn't figure out where I was. I had dreams that I was with the group in a city far from Seoul and that I had to find my own way back to the airport or I would just wake up and not recognize where I was. It was a really disorienting feeling but it stopped a few days ago.

I think the most important part of my adjustment back home was that I had been doing work for a year in therapy to prepare me for the trip. I went into the trip knowing how I felt about many aspects of my adoption and prepared to feel and experience anything that came my way. I processed a lot of things during the trip- internally and during long conversations with group members
Also, blogging about how I felt before the trip helped me sort some things out for myself.
I am so grateful to my friends and family who have read it and told me that they gained an understanding about what I was experiencing that they didn't have before. I really can't express how much that means to me. 

I didn't know if coming back, I'd feel like I could talk about my trip but it has been easy for me. My friends and family have been really supportive. They have asked me insightful questions and been such good listeners. 
One friend was especially careful in the questions she asked me. I really appreciated the care she took. I told her she could ask me whatever she wanted. She was a close friend whose interest was genuine and invested in me and my experience. I told her if she did ask a question I didn't want to answer, I'd tell her.

What bothers me is when someone I don't know very well asks me really personal questions that are motivated from curiosity about the subject matter and not about myself. For example, I am at a party. I meet someone and they ask me where I am from...meaning where are you FROM?
After telling them I am a Korean adoptee, their follow up question is, "Are you going to look for your mom?" It goes from 0-60.
"Hi. I'm Corinne. I live in Seattle. Oh, I was born in Korea- that's why "my English is so good." Oh yes, let me share the story of coming to terms with my identity for the last 28 years."

I can't speak about other adoptees' experience. I can only speak from my own.
Some pretty universal advice I would give to friends of adoptees that come back from their trip would be this: 

• Express your interest in hearing about their trip- offer to spend some time together to catch up 
• If they say they need some time and space, allow them to have it but offer that whenever they're ready, you're there for them. 
• Listen to their story. 
• Intuit their level of readiness to share. Don't push too hard.
• If they share something that was hard for them, try not to 'silver line' it. 
• Ask questions but if they seem like they aren't ready to answer or answer the questions fully, be respectful and don't push for answers. 

As an adoptee, advice I would give to other adoptees would be: 

• If your friends' interest in your trip seems intrusive, understand your friends are interested because they care about you. 
• If you need time to yourself, take it. Let your friends know that you appreciate their support but need time to yourself. 
• Reach out to other adoptees because they can relate to your experience. Even if it's online. You're never alone. 
• Check in with yourself about what your needs. 
• If you are sharing and people ask questions you don't want to answer, don't feel like you have to answer. Gently let them know if there is something you don't want to talk about. 
• Try not to get upset if someone compares your experience to an experience they had if it misses the mark a little. 

Upon my return I have allowed myself to be, what I call, Selfish in a Healthy Way.
I have had some weird reactions to being home but I just let myself follow them.

I always thought it was cheesy when Korean Adoptees came back from Korea and only ate Korean food.
The first place I drove to, the day after I returned home, was H Mart, a Korean grocery store. I cooked myself and my friends a bunch of Korean salads. Since then, I've continued to make a lot of Korean food.
I felt like, "Ugh, Corinne, that's so cliche..." but whatever.
It just makes me happy.

I surrounded myself with specific friends.
If I don't feel like doing something, I don't force myself to.
I am reaching out in the adoptee community for support.
I am teaching myself Korean.
I'm only doing what makes me happy.

I am glad to be home but I do miss my Journey homies and Korea.

Birth Parent Search

Throughout my life, people have asked me, "Do you want to find your birth parents?"
Each adoptee feels really differently about their interest in a birth parent search.

I never had any interest in it growing up. My parents were my parents and that was enough for me. Even when I used to try and imagine my birth mother, I had no ideas about her- about what she looked like, what she was like- it was a big grey cloud in the shape of a woman. 

Last year, when I started to gain interest in the Korean adoptee part of myself, I joined an organization in Washington called AAAW (Asian Adult Adoptees of Washingtion), I joined some adoptee Facebook groups, and looked into a few websites for Korean adoptees. 

It's really incredible the amount of support that is out there for adoptees once you start looking.

Huge international organizations, adoption agencies that have resources, conferences, homeland trips, groups that you can reach out to in your community, artists making work about adoptee experiences, and authors who have written books on every aspect of adoption you can imagine. 

After reaching out to those groups, I learned where I could start to looking for more information, what information to look for, and what my rights were as an adoptee. 

I contacted my adoption agency: Spence Chapin in New York City. I wrote a brief e-mail asking what actions I could take in searching for my birth mother and looking into any additional information that the agency might have about my adoption. They replied quickly and assigned me a social worker. 

Searching for my birth mother was free. I filled out very simple paperwork- Name and contact info, a recent photo of myself and my ID, and a brief statement about myself and what I wanted to do if they found her. 

I could also do a file review at the cost of $50. I had all of my paperwork in English already so I decided to skip that part for the time being. 

My interest in searching had always been low but a part of why I never thought of searching for her was because it was a closed adoption. I had always thought that there was no information so I thought searching wasn't an option. Since 1986, laws have changed and you can access more information- if there is more information.

So here I was filling out a single sided piece of paper, making a photocopy of my license and a picture of myself. I'd send it off and there was a chance that from that, I'd find my birth mother. It was strange how simple it all was.

I didn't send it for a few days. I wasn't sure I was ready. 
I was concerned about what might happen. I wasn't sure how they'd approach her if they found her.
I didn't know how I would feel if they found her.
What did I want? What would be the best case scenario? How could I prepare myself for alternative outcomes? How would I feel if they found her and she didn't want contact with me? How would I feel if she suddenly wanted to be a big part of my life? How would I feel if she has passed away? How would I feel if I find out I have brothers and sisters? What if I connected with her for a little bit and then she disappeared again without warning? What if I found out she was a total mess? What if she made contact with me only in order to try and get something from me? What if I met her and saw disappointment in her eyes- that I was fat or rude or ugly?

I also was worried about her.
What if she never told anyone about me? What if she got married and had kids with someone and they never knew this side of her life and got really upset with her? What if, after her family found out about me, it ruined her life? What if me contacting her caused a huge rift between her and her family now, and then, I didn't want her to be a part of my life?

I've spent a lot of my life being incredibly impulsive-which I call "being a free spirit." I'll study in England on a whim. I'll move across the country for love. I'll pierce my nose one day because I woke up that morning having had a dream about it. I'll make a connection with a stranger and have a weird, random adventure with them and then never see them again. I still think I fall under the category of "free spirit" but sometimes I think I used that label to cover up the fact that I was always looking for something frantically to fill something that was empty- and those experiences temporarily filled in the gaps.

This was a decision I didn't want to be impulsive. I wanted to think about every aspect of the search because it didn't just effect me, it could potentially effect her too.

I talked to a lot of people about the situation. The general response was, "It doesn't matter how it effects her, it matters if it matters to you. You should seek out the answers you want." 

Yes, I agree. This is the response I would give to someone else but no matter how much I thought about it, I could not figure out what I wanted- I couldn't figure out even the fantasy of the best case scenario in my head. I don't know what it would look like. 

Maybe...I would search for her. The Social Welfare Society would find her. She'd still be with my father. We would meet and I'd see a reflection of how I look in them. They would cry. I would cry.
That's as far as I can get-
But there is sadness in the potential that they had more biological children and I'm the only one who isn't in their family.
There is sadness if they aren't together anymore.
There is sadness if I find out my mother wanted to give me up because she couldn't handle it.
There is sadness if she didn't want to give me up but she had to.
There is sadness if I meet her and felt like we're totally different people.
There is sadness if we feel an instant connection and we weren't together all these years.
There is sadness if they are still struggling to make ends meet.

Of course, within all this there would be joy in reunion and that we still have more time and that some of the unknown is filled in and a million other ways a reunion could be potentially positive that are unknown.

But these are all the things going through my head- Was I ready for anything- the good and the bad? 

But here is how it worked out- 

I submitted my paperwork. Three months later I get a voicemail from my social worker while I'm working. I listen to the voicemail. All it says is that they have information on my birth search and to call them back at my convenience. There was a 15 minute window between listening to the voicemail and a break where I can call my social worker back. In that 15 minute window I am freaking out. Did they find her? Did they find her?

I called my social worker back later. She told me that my mother had falsified some information on my paperwork and there wasn't a match. From what I gathered, they took birth mothers' name, age, address, and ID Number when I was released to adoption services. My social worker during my birth file review at SWS said that it was common for women to not carry their ID card with them when they gave birth- so either they provided false numbers or no numbers at all.

After the phone call I was crushed, I hated that I got false hope in something I wasn't even sure that I wanted. I was also upset that it shook up my narrative that I've been told since I was little. Here is you birth mother's name and age and a story she told a social worker about why she gave you up for adoption. Now there is someone saying, "Your birth mother provided false information on your birth file so we cannot find a match in our database." It makes me wonder- what part isn't true? Her ID number? Her name? Her age? The circumstances that she gave me up? No one knows- all they know is that info A, B and C do not combine to one person's information in the database.

After an hour or so, I calmed down. If I was 22 and unwed and scared, I don't know that I'd want to leave information for my child to be able to find me later. This was a choice she made 28 years ago.

Every adoptee has a different story and a different level of desire to seek information. 

There are more paths I could take in my search. Other adoption agencies offered to have the police help search. Some adoptees go to their birthparents' hometown and ask around for information. Right now, I am ok with not searching any further. 

Since I was a teenager, I have always had the same idea- I don't necessarily want to meet her.
I'd like a photo of my mother and father to see how much I look like them. As I said in a previous post, I feel like I have never seen someone who looks like me.
I'd also like to mail my mother a box of pictures, my accomplishments, and a letter to let her know that I had a great life.
I imagine she thinks about me often and wonders where I am and if I am happy and what I am like whether or not she wishes we had stayed together.

My therapist and I have talked about creating that box anyway. I'd fill a box with all of the things I'd want her to have. I'd write her a letter of all the things I'd like to say. Even without an address, I'd be sending the intention out into the universe and maybe it would reach her and she would find peace even if she didn't know why. I'd feel peace in knowing that if I could give her peace, I would. 

I have yet to make the box to send to my birth mother- less specifically, to the universe.
But maybe in time, I will.

What does it all meeeeaaaannn????

What does it all mean??!!??!
Of course that is a dramatic exaggeration of how I feel-
But really- I do feel changed but how so?
Often times, I'll feel a certain way and have no idea what is causing it or where to begin to look for the root.

During a long bus ride, I wrote down some questions to ask myself when I got home.
I shared them with another group member on the trip. She found them useful so I thought I would share.

Some of the questions I might not know the answers to. Some questions don't have answers. Some questions may not be applicable to other people.

What were my fears before the trip?

What were the obstacles I faced during the trip?

What fears do I have going home?

What questions do I feel I found answers to?

What is still unknown that I wish I could know?

Are there steps could I take to find the answers or should I work at finding peace in the unknown?

What did I learn about Korea?

What events or activities or site seeing on the trip resonated the most or had the most meaning?

What moments or things made me think I missed out on not growing up in Korea?

What moments or things made me feel proud to grow up in America?

What moments or things made me feel Korean?

What moments or things made me feel American?

What feelings and/or moments surprised me- good and bad?

If I could do the trip over again, under the same circumstances, what would I do differently?

What were the benefits of travelling with a group?

What were the challenges of travelling with a group?

What did you learn from other people on the Journey- members, staff, and guides?

What advice would I give to future Journey members?

Has my interest in my birth parent search been heightened since the trip? Am I less interested? Do I have the same feelings toward the search?

If I went back to Korea, what would I want to do that I didn't get a chance to or what would I go see again?

What fantasies did I realize I had about the trip/ birth file review/ birth search?

Day 14: K Drama IRL and a flight home

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

After Abbey's speech, our guide talked for a while about Journey and upcoming events, then we closed the ceremony with a prayer.

Then- of course, it was time to take a group photo!

After taking a bagillion-million-trillion photos, we headed to a restaurant to have lunch. Bulgogi hot pot and some yummy ban chan.

After lunch, we finished up some question/ answer videos for a video the company was putting together and it was over.

We hung around and chatted for a bit and then everyone went their separate ways. A lot of the group members were staying on an extra day or two all together in a hostel. I had a hard time watching the van of them roll out together. 

Sunny and Hyo, Korean staff members, took me to a bus stop to catch the bus to the airport.

While I was waiting to cross the street to the bus stop, I heard a noise I had never heard from a human or an animal in my life. It was like a high pitched growl-scream. It was utterly terrifying and everyone on the street turned around to see what it was.

I'll tell you what it was: It was a tiny Korean girl yelling at her boyfriend. She looked like she had the power of a thousand suns and he looked like a sad puppy who went on the rug and was caught by its owner. 

The growl-scream turned into shouting which turned into her slapping him in the face a few times and pulling on his shirt. He never hit back- he just sort of blocked shots and tried to gently pull her hands off of him.

I turned back around, to try not to be rude, but I was so intrigued.

The best part was when the shopkeeper of the store they were in front of very bluntly told them to get out from in front of the store using hand motions like "shoo, shoo"- at which point I noticed the boyfriend's (ex-boyfriends?) phone was in a million tiny pieces on the pavement.

GREEN LIGHT- It was time for me to cross the street. I was sad to leave the K-Drama that was unfolding in front of my eyes IRL.

I asked Suuny and Hyo, "This is normal?" 
Hyo answered, "Not normal, but kind of." -which is the shortest yet most complete answer I could have asked for. 

I said goodbye to Sunny and Hyo and got on the bus.

The crying part was over but I think something was going on between my brain and my body.
I could not stop sweating from the time I stepped foot into the airport until I was on the plane. It wasn't about missing my flight or not knowing how to navigate the airport...it was something different- just shear internal chaos.
This was unfortunate because the guy at Check-In was cute and I looked like I had just stepped out of a sauna.
I told him I wanted to check a second bag so I didn't have to carry it. The first bag was free and the second bag was: 100 dollars!!!! (WHAT THE....????) I told him I would reorganize my bags and make everything fit between my 2 carry-ons and my checked bag.
I rolled my suitcase over to the side which was still directly in front of everyone waiting to check in.
My suitcase sprung open and all of my everything was there for people to see- plus I am still drenched in sweat. 
I finally tetris-ed my way into getting everything to fit.

I walked around the shops before I entered the airport: I bought a copy of Korean Harper's Bazaar and Korean Vogue to take home. I'm going to miss all the advertisements in every store only featuring Korean people.

I had one last meal in Korea- fish cake soup with Udon noodles and a Cass beer. 

I bummed around a few more shops in the terminal (Korean Airports understand my needs...)

The flights home were easy peasy. I had a tight connection in Tokyo to make my flight to Seattle but they took good care of me. I got to go through a secret passage way to make it to my terminal. 

The flight from Tokyo to Seattle was a breeze. I watched Dallas Buyers Club, slept for 5 hours, and watched half of another film and we were landing. 

A police dog found my egg sandwich from Seoul that had been in my backpack for like, 18 hours. I had forgotten about it. The security man had a very serious face and told me I was going to have to report it to customs. I told him I could throw it out but he got even more serious and told me I had to take it to customs. 

Yessir! 

At customs, the lady apologized and told me she had to throw it out. 

Yeah, I know lady, no one wants to eat that egg sandwich. 

Ralf picked me up from the airport and that was that.

In the blink of an eye, I was sobbing in the airport- feeling unprepared to leave for Korea and there I was- back at Sea-Tac. 

The same but not the same. 

Day 14: Closing Ceremony cont...

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

After our speeches, a representative for the host families, her American name is Abbey, gave a speech about her feelings about the program and the adoptee experience. It was really great because she wrote a 5 minute speech and did the translating herself- she read a section in Korean and then in English.

She was Martine's, another member, host mother and shared a lot of great stories about the bond they forged over the 3 days that they spent together. I liked Abbey because she was a little hippie dippie woo-woo like me and Martine- you know- free spirit, energy, good vibes, the universe takes care of us kind of thing.

Abbey meant a lot to me but she didn't know it and here's why...

Tim and I had had a conversation a few days before about a puzzling feeling we were both experiencing:
We are Korean in Korea. Where are the people who look like me???
In a crowd, we could compare features people had.
We could say, "Wow, those people look similar" or maybe we could even say, "They have a similar nose to me" or "They have similar eyes to me"
- but we agreed that we had never found a face in a crowd and said, "Wow. They look like me."

We both found our answers at the end of the Journey. 

Abbey looks the most like me I've ever seen anyone look. 

We have the same cheeks. Similar eyes. Similar noses. 
I had never seen that before.
I wonder if she looked like me when she was younger.

I didn't find my birth mother- but a part of what I was searching for was someone who looked like me. 
Growing up, people would say I looked similar to other people- but most of the time it was just because that person was Asian- not because they genuinely looked like me.

I would always look at Asian people and think, "I don't look like them."
Not that I thought I was white, I just didn't see myself when I looked at other Asian people.
Meeting Abbey satiated something for me that I can't put into words. 

Likewise, after we got home, Tim posted a picture of himself when he was younger. He looked strikingly similar to another group member of ours named Axel. This was extra special because during our trip, Axel and Tim grew close like family.

Axel and Tim on the last day.

All that searching we did to find someone who reflects our own image back at us- through decades, through cities, in crowds, over continents- and we both had our answers delivered to us on this Journey. I am grateful. 

Day 14: The closing ceremony- my speech.

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

We arrived at the closing ceremony. Most of our homestay families were there.
My host father gave me a lovely gift of soaps and lotions. It was so sweet!

We prayed and listened as a few members of the company gave speeches about the purpose of the Journey Program.

Then it was our turn to give speeches. Everyone's speech was from the heart. It was lovely to hear each member of our group highlight their favorite parts of our trip and describe the impact the trip had on them as they prepare to return home.

This was my speech: 

Today I walked into the coffee shop that we had breakfast at every morning in Seoul. 
Before today I had not spoken to the owner personally- only "hello and "thank you."
He greeted me when I walked in and said, "Today is a sad day because you are leaving, but it is a good day because from this day forward, we are friends forever." 

This is how I found so many Korean people truly feel. 

When I came on this Journey, I didn't know what to expect. I knew I was arriving with an open heart and an open mind. 

Over the past two weeks, I have made many friends, learned more about the rich history and culture of Korea, and, of course, enjoyed Korea's delicious food.

My favorite moment was watching traditional drumming and dancing at the folk village. 

I want to express my sincere gratitude to Mr. Park and the Journey staff for their hard work, understanding, patience, and dedication to the adoptee experience. I also would like to thank my host family, the Chae family, for opening their home to me. 

Thank you to the 2014 Journey Members for their bravery to explore a part of ourselves that is unknown. Despite our differences, the bond we share makes us family.

Upon my return, I am determined to learn the Korean language and I plan to return as soon as possible. 

Thank you all for your support and kindness and for welcoming me so warmly to Korea.

I am going home changed. 

Day 14: Best Friends at The Flower Cafe

Day 14
Saturday June 28th

Tim, a fellow Journey member, and me on the last morning of our trip.

While I cried all morning, he didn't tell me I shouldn't be crying. 

He didn't look uncomfortable at seeing me cry. 

He wiped my tears and smiled back. 

He understood I was crying out of joy and sadness.

I woke up early and got ready before everyone else. I got dressed up for the closing ceremony. I did my make-up but made sure to skip the eyeliner and mascara. Tears were inevitable.

While in Seoul, we had breakfast at the same place every morning. I went to the cafe by myself and ordered an Americano. We had to prepare a 5 minute speech to read at the closing ceremony and I needed a few moments to collect my thoughts.

I walked into the cafe and was greeted warmly by the owner. I had seen him every time I went to the cafe but nothing more than "Hello" and "Thank You."
He said to me so genuinely, "Today is a sad day because you are leaving. But it is a good day because from now on we will be friends forever."
He wrote down his name on a piece of paper and told me to find him on Facebook.
I started to cry.

This was the way I was welcomed by almost every Korean person I met on the trip. "Hello. Nice to meet you. We are now friends forever"- and they mean it!
It was similar but not quite the same back home in New York. It was the opposite of the general sentiment of Seattle.

I sat in the sunshine and wrote my speech. My other group members joined me. They could tell I was a wreck.

One of the guys from the group said he didn't feel any sadness. He preferred to live in the moment. He didn't think about leaving the group and leaving Korea. He wanted to enjoy every moment we had together.
Tim and I supported him. We told him that that was fine- it's OK not to feel sad or to not want to cry. Maybe he'd never feel sad about parting ways- maybe this trip was only happiness. Maybe he would experience a more emotional reaction later- in an hour, in a week, or 5 years from now.

We told him that the most important part was to not deny any feelings he did have, whatever they were and whenever they decided to bubble up. Let any emotion that came up- happiness, loss, anger, sadness, resentment, fear- manifest itself and to explore it.
We warned not to tell himself he shouldn't be feeling a certain way, but it was ok if he didn't feel the same way everyone else was feeling.

It can be easy to be confused about how you feel. Especially when all the feelings are new-when they surround a part of yourself that you either denied existed or didn't know was there.
You look around a room at a bunch of people crying and think, "What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel this way? They are so emotional and I don't feel anything."
On the other hand, you can be your own enemy by saying to yourself things like, "Why am I so sad and so angry? I was given this opportunity to come to Korea with almost all my expenses paid, and I feel so sad. I should be happy!"
It's ok to feel everything or nothing or some where in between- as long as you aren't telling yourself how to feel or not to feel.

I returned to the hotel and brought my bags downstairs and we made our way to the closing ceremony...

Day 13: Beach Day in Jeju

Day 13
Friday June 27th

We had the whole day free to ourselves until 3pm.

We had breakfast together and then all met down at the beach on our own time.

It was sunny, hot and sandy with a light breeze blowing off the water. The water was so clear and ranged from aquamarine to teal to dark blue.

I arrived at the beach in my two piece: an off white tube top with a gold zipper front and forest green bottoms.
Our guide loved throwing people in the water who didn't want to swim. The first time, in Busan, I out smarted him by going in on my own accord. I tried to get away with it again but he followed me down to the water. I was waist deep but before I could dive in, he swiped my legs out from under me and I got a nose full of salt water. It was all in good fun- but I prepared myself for a second sabotage. I filled a water bottle with water and made a huge ball of seaweed and kept it by my side the rest of the afternoon.

He tried to throw me in the water a second time an hour later. He spotted my seaweed/ water arsenal sitting next to me. 
I stood up- armed and ready. 
At which point, I fell for the oldest trick in the book. 
He came up close to me. Pointed behind me and whispered something I couldn't understand. I asked, "What?" 4 times before finally looking behind me.
He snatched me up and started carrying me to the water. I poured the bottle of water on his head but he was undeterred. I started thrashing around and putting my weight backwards because I knew I didn't have that far to fall.
At this point, it wasn't about not going in the water; it was about not losing. 

Well kids, there were no winners or losers that day.
I don't know exactly what happened or how it happened but I wriggled out of his arms and landed in the sand. Topless. My hands around my chest and my gold zipper bikini top- which flung off like a rubber band- way, way out of reach. Our female staff member came rushing over with a towel while everyone else held their breath and then finally burst out laughing.
I thought it was hilarious. Our tour guide thought it was embarrassing.
The moral of the story is: I always win. Don't mess with me. (Or I'll flash you) 
Let's just say, no one tried to throw anyone in the water after that.

We hung out at the beach until lunch time- our guide made Japanese curry! We had to pack everything up and make it to the airport to catch our flight back to Seoul.

When we got to the airport, we all sat in the cafeteria and the staff handed out papers. We wrote our name at the top and then passed them around to have everyone sign them like a yearbook.We had a few hours at the airport to shop and grab dinner and then boarded the plane.

We arrived at the Women's Building (our hostel) just in time for curfew (the elevator stops running at 11pm and we were on the 13th floor). They handed out our papers that everyone signed. I organized my luggage and then went to sleep. It was my last night in Korea. 

Day 12: A Very Special Evening

Night 12
Thursday June 26th

I started to get anxious about leaving Korea.
I wasn't ready. I didn't feel like I had enough time.
I had 2 more days but I knew they'd fly by in a heartbeat.

That night everyone gathered to play games and drink together but one of my roommates opted to hang out in the room and have a good chat.

We talked about the trip, about our experience as adoptees, about our impressions of other group members, about how the trip has changed us, and what might happen when we went back to our regular life.

A glass of red wine and a long chat was exactly what I needed.

Just as we were wrapping up our conversation, we got a knock on the door. The rest of the group had bought fireworks and were heading out to the beach. My roommate turned in for a early night's sleep and I went out with the group.

It was a magical night. We all knew it was the last night together to be wild and free in Korea.

First we stopped at a small stand that had carnival games- balloon darts and a stacked block/ baseball toss.
We played, won more fireworks, and headed towards the water. There were beaches and a series of bridges and pavillions along the way. The edge of the water was lit up with rainbow lights that changed color and reflected off the water.

We stood on the bridge in a line and lit the fireworks all at the same time. You held the stick in your hand and they let off 6 tiny explosions.

After the fireworks, we all sat in a pavilion and had a long talk. Two volunteer staff members who had been on the trip before told us about their Journey Trip and their experiences when they went back home. Other people shared their experiences too. 

Have I mentioned we talked a lot about our feelings? ; )

It was great to have the opportunity to do a lot of the processing while on the trip with people who can relate to your experience. I feel very grateful to have had such a great group of people to travel with. 

The trust we all had in each other was so strong. 

It's crazy to think that these people were strangers to me and to each other less than two weeks before. 

Their openness and honesty was a treasure.No one pushed anyone to share if they didn't want to but we knew it was a free space to talk about anything. 

Even the people who opened up less, listened intently while they worked things out in their own way.

It was already past the point of being late. We all headed back to the hotel together for some rest. 

It was a great way begin the end of the Journey. 

Day 12: Touring Jeju

Day 12
Thursday June 26th

We started our day at Sunsan Ilchulbong, a sleeping volcano on Jeju Island. It was a little bananas there. Jeju Island is very popular for Chinese and Korean tourists. What should have been a peaceful hike up a pretty volcano, ended up being a hot sticky mess where I was shoulder to shoulder with strangers scream talking at each other, taking photos in the middle of a staircase without warning, and spitting and burping with total disregard.
The view was pretty though.

Below the volcano, down by the water, women were selling live seafood they had caught.

Older women swim out into the water and fish for abalone, sea cucumber, and octopus with no equipment. 

Our guide bought us some of each to sample. 

The sea cucumber and abalone- they cut up right in front of you and you eat raw. 

The octopus they flash boil. 

It is served with gochujang and raw onion. 

The texture of the abalone was not what I expected at all. I thought it would be soft like sashimi but it was tough like tendon or cartilage. The sea cucumber was also chewier than I thought it would be. 

Women divers

Abalone live (top left) Women selling it (bottom left) 

Abalone and sea cucumber raw (top right) Gambe! (cheers!) (bottom right) 

1. Drink soju   2. Nom on sea creatures

After, we had one of my favorite meals of the trip- seafood soup, spicy pork, and grilled mackerel. We had to order a second fish because we all gobbled up the first one. 

Next we went to another folk village. It was very similar to the first. The highlight was playing with the traditional Korean toys and games. 

Swings that you stand up on and go really high. 

Tops. 

A game with sticks and a tall cylinder can you throw the sticks into. 

Stilts. 

Stick and hoop. 

Simplest of all, a round patch of sand with heavy rocks in it- to show strength and settle agreements. 

 At the folk village, they had hydrangeas as big as my head!

After that we visited a waterfall. 

In the parking lot at the waterfall, they had food vendors. Our guide bought a cup of silk worms for everyone to try.
I am not a picky eater in any sense- but silk worms were hard to me. It didn't help that I saw them crawling around the day before in the market. Bugs. Yikes. That's some Timon and Pumba ish. But- I tried it. Who knows when I'd get the opportunity again.

I hated it.

 I hated the idea. I hated the texture. 

I don't remember the taste because the first two things were clouding my senses. 

But I'm glad I tried it.

While the group had dinner, I shopped at a local department store- E Mart. It was my last chance to get goodies before I left Korea.